Christmas Lights, and Other Beautiful Things...

Ever since I was a little girl, it has been a tradition of sorts to pack the family into the van and drive around town at Christmas to look at lights. It always brought such joy to see all the twinkling colors shining out, giving the dark, cold wintery nights that extra bit of warmth. It was always extra-exciting to see the house that went all-out, with almost every surface bright and cheerfully splayed with lights! Like I said - it just brought joy.

I drove around town with my brother and sister tonight, and much to my dismay, barely anyone hangs up Christmas lights these days. I suppose the hassle of untangling the wires and replacing the burnt out lights is too tedious, and with the unexpected manner in which Alberta weather just decides to wake up one day and be winter, some people just miss their opportunity. Even still, I was legitimately disappointed. It's kind of silly, right? I mean, Christmas lights are so simple...

I don't want to be a house that sits in the dark. And I'm jumping from talking about Christmas lights on a house to my relationship with God. I was to be 'THAT' house, the one that is just decked out, as a light of joy and warmth for Jesus. I never want to find untangling wires or replacing lightbulbs "too hard", but instead be working out the kinks and diligently mending the dim parts, so that I can glorify Him! I want people to pass me by and just feel welcomed in, because I have Jesus lighting me up from the inside out. I want that joy!

One of my favorite things about the Christmas story is the way in which Jesus came. I mean, this is God's son we are talking about. By all rights, he should have been treated as the King he is. But God had a point to make, and a huge part of his plan was to come in humility. And so, Jesus Christ, the one who saved my life and has given me more than I could ever ask or imagine, was born in a stable. A dirty, funky-smelling, tiny stable. He rested in a manger. He even spent his first night with regular people - shepherds. This is the amazing thing about what he did when he came to show us his love... he started out humble. He did exactly what his whole ministry was about, loving the "unimportant" people. Being born of an regular girl. Wow! This blows me away every time... he truly became the least for me, walked in flesh and felt every human emotion that I feel. I am so loved. You are so loved. God shows us so much love!

Christmas is so good. Tonight, I was just powerfully reminded of my God's love, and reminded that I don't want to be a house in the dark.  I love you Jesus!

The other beautiful thing is that tonight, I had one of those "happy"moments, just being in a place where I felt so much joy and contentment. I was on an 'adventure' with my brother and sister, just driving around. We passed a hill we used to go toboganning on, and wouldn't you know it, my brother just happened to have a gt-racer and a crazy carpet in his car. We slid and laughed and fell and it was just so good.

First semester is done, I have a wonderful boyfriend, my family is a blessing, and God is greater than it all!
Have a SUPER Merry Christmas as Jesus blesses you!!

A couple of weeks ago, I witnessed the last hours of a man's life. I didn't even know him, but it's the first Christmas his family will spend without him. It was a glaring reminder to me of the fact that Christmas can encapsulate just as much loss and pain as it can joy and good will. And in a way, Christmas is the physical beginning of a story filled with loss and pain. Christmas brought about the birth of the journey to the cross.

As I sit, in my comfortable home, with the pretty Christmas decorations and the good smelling food, I think about where my heart is at. Yesterday, I helped pack shoe boxes with Samaritans Purse, and I stood in one of the examples of the homes that Samaritans Purse is building in Haiti. Surrounded by the thin tarp walls, under the tin roof in a space smaller than my room, I was transported back in my mind to a place where faces stood raised the the heavens, praising God amidst loss. For just a moment, I was thrown back into a place where loss stalks about in big ways.

Philippians 3:7-8 says, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." This Christmas, after 11 months of crisis and hardship and loss beyond belief, I know the hearts that will truly be saying these words.

And now I think of myself, and the things I wrestle God for; the things he is calling me to lose for his sake. Though my selfish drive to satisfy the desires of the flesh will never satisfy my craving for my Jesus, sometimes it's hard to unclench my fists from the things I am afraid to lose. And so, looking to the heavens, I wonder... am I allowed to grieve my losses? Jesus, is it okay that I am afraid?

I will sacrifice everything for you. 

Sometimes, when I need a good talk, I call my dad, because I know I'll get it.
I was talking to him about compromise, and how I knew there were things in my life I needed to maybe address... and he said this (Dad, I know these maybe aren't your exact words, but it was all your idea!)

"Do not try to find the legalistic compromises, for you will find evil everywhere if you look. Instead, bind your heart to God's, abiding in Him, and the rest will follow. For when you are that rooted in Him, the choices you are making will be made with a heart that desires to obey Him out of love, and not out of an obligation to follow some written code."

if you need me,
i'm joining a convent
far, far away.

Oh Lord, you have looked inside me and seen me for what I am.
Every unspoken thought and intent of my heart.
Every deed that is yet to do, and every word that is unformed on my tongue.

I know those thoughts, those despicable thoughts
and that tangled mess in my chest that is supposed to pass for a heart,
and I can't fathom it, Lord. I cannot fathom what it is You see that you could love,
because somedays, it's hard to love myself when I know what is within me.

Inside me is a mistress, who claimed love for You,
and then turned to the arms of other lovers,
but God, I AM SO DONE WITH THEM.

I am standing at the aisle,
clothed in white,
white that is YOUR GRACE
and YOUR LOVE
because without it, I'd be in rags.
And God, I'm desperate for you
and longing for you to make me your bride,
a woman you can be proud of.

A shiver claims my skin
as the snow clings to my lashes
is it snow, or is it ashes?
When I catch one on my tongue
will it burn there with the words I long to say
or will it melt away?

Am I dancing under falling flakes,
or the shreds of forgotten dreams,
opening my mouth to catch
the wispy "should-have beens"
Will it spark my burning tongue to letting slip
or ice it over, and wash these words away

A familiar path I used to walk
once covered long ago
there's still an outline of your steps
under the freshly fallen snow
I burned away the past before,
and left ashes in my wake
and I buried these old dreams of mine,
froze and left them in this place.

Oh, falling ashes, oh falling flakes,
Oh, there's all this beauty,
and all my mistakes

A shiver claims my skin
as the snow clings to my lashes
won't you tell me
 are they snowflakes or ashes?

To every daughter of the King:

When you're a little girl, you hear stories of a prince that will whisk you away to a castle for your happily ever after. As you grow older, (and as you get to know the male species), you find that fairy tales are just someone's twisted idea of a love that isn't truly real, but fictional - and so lose hope in your 'prince'.

There are so many flaws in that! And I'm not talking fairy tales, because that kind of 'perfect' love is too easy to be called love at all. But listen up sister... You are a Princess! You are the jewels crowning the head of your Maker. You are Beautiful, and you are Worthy of Love.

So often when we throw out the idea of a 'fairy tale', we cast off this crown with it. It's not a crown we even deserve, and yet Jesus has been sacrificed for us so that he may himself place this crown on our head and call us His.

...I know what you're thinking. "Yeah, yeah, so I'm a princess. So where's this prince that will whisk me off my feet?"

I wrestle with the same thought often. And it's hard, because God made us so relational, to desire a relationship, or crave that special intimacy that you can only share with one person. The truth is, I don't know who you're going to marry. I don't even know who I'm going to marry. But the fantastic news is... God does! And what better hands could your future beau be in?

What I'm really getting at is, no, fairytales aren't real. BUT: Someday our prince WILL come. No, he may not ride a horse. No, he may not have big fluffy sleeves. In fact, likely he'll be a slob. He'll have imperfections... and the coolest part is, as those weaknesses come out, God's power will rest there.

I'm saying, HOLD OUT. WAIT. Be PATIENT as God prepares your prince, and as He does His work in you. There are (it may surprise you to know) still really legit, God-seeking men out there. Don't settle. Set your standards for the kind of man God wants for you! High standards do not mean your expectations are too high, but that you see the worth in yourself as the daughter of a king. You deserve to be respected, valued, romanced, and loved for the fantastically exquisite being you are!

Sister, likely we are never going to stop every wistful wish for a relationship dead in it's tracks. But we need to stop romanticizing the idea of relationships over the real thing! (I implicate myself in this as much as anyone else.) I feel like so many of us just want to be in the relationship for the sake of being in one, and so few of us are truly ready.

The greatest relationships we can ever develop is our relationship with Jesus. No man should ever be compared to what we have in Him. No man could ever fill us the way Jesus does. No man could ever love as unconditionally, and as fiercely, and as passionately as your Jesus loves you. A man's love, as great as it will someday be, will only ever be an imitation of the love given to you by the One who loved you FIRST.

Sister... you are a Jewel. You are a Princess. With God, "Someday, my prince will come" becomes "In His perfect timing, my prince will come". In your time of waiting patiently... remember the Prince that has already come for you! How he is LONGING for your heart to be immersed in His perfect love!
Beautiful sister of mine, you are already loved.

Letting Go!

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear 
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?


What do I love? What do I hate?
What will I lose? What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend? What if I break?
What will it cost? What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

-Tenth Avenue North

There's a story that goes with these lyrics, and it begins on January 5, 2010. I don't remember the exact situation, only that I was stressing out about my upcoming trip to Haiti. I heard these lyrics on the radio, and had to pull into the parking lot at the Scotiabank to cry. This song was God telling me, five days before changing my life, that He was going to take care of me. Those words were His promise to me that I would find what I was looking for, and that He would become my everything.

He kept His promise during those 17 days in more ways than I can count, and more ways than I even have words for.

The reality is, I came back. While parts of me will never be the same, I, in so many ways, became the exact same Jessica I had been before leaving. I was scared when my safe, comfortable world didn't like the 'new' Jessica. I was broken when the rest of the world didn't care. I hardened because I wasn't forced to wake up every morning in a place where God would challenge me to rely on His provision, and His grace, and His love.

In short, I forgot His faithfulness.

I heard this song again tonight and something struck me. I'm still clutching things so close that my knuckles are white. I still haven't fully handed myself over to the One who created me down to the most intricate of details. I still haven't let it go.

In those seventeen days I spent in that breathtaking, broken country, I was broken down into letting go. I couldn't do anything but let go! Evidence of God was EVERYWHERE. It was in the hands that were raised to praise Him under sheets. It was in the voices of the nannies the night of the quake. It was in the tiny hands that touched my cheeks and the big eyes that captured my heart. It was in the fact that the streetlights in Petionville were out, and the only 'light' in the night was GOD making Himself known through the clearest, starriest sky. It was in a million little ways where we said "We're almost out of-" and then God filled the need, whether it was through a Minnesota farmer who flew to the DR to drive supplies over the border, or a whole hoard of Dutch Marines. God gently pried my hands off MY plans and took over. His plans were good!

How did I forget this faithfulness?

Tonight, I realize that Haiti was preparing me for this moment - a moment where not only am I brought to my knees in believing, but the fact that I choose to want to let go because I know what He has is so immeasurably more than I could ever imagine. It is so far beyond what my tiny imagination could generate.

Here's to white knuckles becoming open palms, raised in reckless abandon, losing myself but gaining all that Christ is offering!!

Here's to a freedom wrapped in faithfulness.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ!
- Philippians 3:7-8

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin.  As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.
1 Peter 4:1-2

So, this girl keeps pestering me to blog, and once upon a time she wrote a little lovepost for me, so I figure this is long overdue.
There's this girl. I met her three months ago, actually committed to living with her without knowing who she was at all. I prayed about this fervently... "God, give me a sister through this." Well, God didn't disappoint.
I like to think I'm fairly open with people, but there's a side to me so few people know, and even less would see through, and she does. We've both come through places of struggle and drought into a place where we can see that God has been shaping us into beautiful women all along.
This girl is real. She doesn't hesitate to hold me accountable, which is exactly what I need. She gets excited about the same things that excite me. The night that I broke down and cried and yelled out to God in my room, the one where she could have written me off as crazy... she knocked. She listened. The moment after the hardest  decision I've made in a year, she was right by the door when I walked in to hug me. We've made food together, ravaged Value Village for hideously awesome eighties outfits, and I know that whenever she asks what my problem is, I can answer "Well, I kill people, and I eat hands... that's two things...".... she will get it! We've been able to cry together, pray together, grow together.... and God can do more out of that as the year goes on!
Here's to you Amanda. A true answer to prayer!

There are moments on the third floor of this apartment where a passing car, or whatever the neighbors are doing beneath us shake the floor. When this happens, the feeling comes back.


But today, that feeling means so much more. Today, that feeling brings me back, gripped by the exact same terror I felt on that January day. Ten months, and it still hasn't left. Ten months, and I'm still afraid while I live in my safe apartment without the concrete roof.


Ten months ago... all I can think about every time number 12 on the calendar hits is what I saw and felt and experienced that day. Every night on the 12th I remember sitting on the hard driveway with four kids playing on my legs, not knowing what emotion was coursing through me. I remember being astounded as the nannies voices rang out towards the heavens in worship when I knew what was at stake for them. I remember being so glad that D. was wrapped around me, holding me close like only a child truly can.


I will never forget that night and those moments. I will never stop praying for the ladies that gave me peace when peace should have been impossible. I will never forget God moving the way He did through our congregation of young and old, white and black...


In my dreams, you're still in my arms.

filling up the tank.

"On Fire" - Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me 
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge


This has been quite the week. I've cried as much as I've smiled, I've asked more questions than I have answers for and I have gone through emotional upheavals. If you're reading this and you're one of the friends that has cried with me, prayed for and with me, or even just let me spill on you...thanks. It means more than you know.

The one thing that has come out of this week is this glorious process of being brought to my knees before God. I need Him so badly that I can't help but cry out. I have discovered that the only thing in my life worth chasing is Jesus... and all other things are meaningless.

I've spent so long seeking approval from people, and have consistently been dissatisfied. Let's face it... human love can only take you so far. Human love will let you down. Human love, regardless of how much we fight or don't fight it, is conditional. Human love doesn't immediately wash away flaws... it chokes back the true reaction and learns how to love past what it doesn't know or understand. No wonder we all are longing for something deeper! No wonder we seek out temporary fillers!

I'm seeking God's approval. I am seeking to live a life in which He will turn His face to me and smile, saying "Well done, good and faithful servant." This is the life I choose - one where His love, stained red, will wash over what I've done and become something beautiful, something one day I can give back to Him.

The experience of growing close to God is tricky for me. How I long to just fall into His arms and experience Him! I just keep forgetting that I first must sacrifice the things I clutch tight in my hands, the thing that mean nothing in light of Him. I first must cut my ties to the world. This happens daily, and sometimes Satan likes to steal the scissors that will free me... but daily, God provides.

In this place, I feel alone. I know there is a whole boatload of people out there, just longing and hungry and desperate for God in this way. I know you're longing to go deeper with God and don't know how... but the more I see us Christians and the way we live our lives, I see why the process is so slow. I see that we are not cutting our ties.

I am frustrated by empty conversation, constantly talking about things that mean nothing. Constantly being distracted by things that aren't of God. The Spirit of the Lord is there where groups of two or more are gathered, and so often we MISS that because we'd rather talk about something 'fun'. My heart is crying out for these people that are longing for that depth and to be met where their heart has needs, and we as groups of believers pass up these opportunities. If we are so hungry, why do we turn down the plate that is offered us?

COMMUNITY. This is such an integral part of our walk. God never meant us to be alone... How many of us feel like we are!? How many of those people don't allow vulnerability into our relationships? ...I can say myself in both aspects.

The blood is on my hands in this. I've wasted so many years of my life on empty pursuits, and I'm not satisfied to be temporarily filled any longer.

Is anybody with me on this?! Will any Christians rise to the call of action God has laid on our hearts, to truly live a 'not my will but thine, death to us, life to gain' kind of life?

Are you ready to be filled more than you could ever imagine?! Because God is just waiting with His pitchers of Love, hoses of Mercy, and a faucet of Forgiveness. He has sprinklers of Provision on standby, and tubs of Strength, waiting for His people to wake up so He can rain it all down on them.

What are we waiting for? What are we longing for? What is the true desire of our hearts?

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head 

Now I've found the greatest Love of all is mine

Through the eyes of men,
they might see a loser, a failure, a disgrace
and they'd be right.
As men spewed off words about what I am,
I listened,
and became what they said.
Satan stood on the sidelines,
clapping enthusiastically
because not only did he succeed
in breaking me once
but keeping me down.

Satan, you've had your fun.
In the power of Jesus Christ,
I banish you from this place
and from my heart.

Through the eyes of you, oh God,
somehow you find something to love,
Your words for me are different,
words like Princess and Daughter and Loved
Forgiven, Worth Fighting For, Beautiful...
Your heart broke when I broke my vow to you
and chased a love that wasn't yours,
and it broke again when I didn't come running back into your arms and believe what you said to me, about loving me despite the past that marred me and made me sinfully shameful before you.
The acceptance of man doesn't matter anymore,
their approval doesn't satisfy.
But Abba God, I'm coming to you because more than anything in the world, I long to get that approval from you. I know I already have that approval, sealed by the mark of a cross and signed in the blood of Your son.
What can man do to me?
What do their words and jeers and catcalls matter?
I'm satisfied with having You.
Only You.
Search me, Oh God. Know my thoughts.
Lead me in the way everlasting.

Father... here I am.

I'm so sick of always being on my guard,
taking my sword in hand, ready to fend off the next attack.
The hairs on my neck are raised, and I pace in a circle, looking over my shoulder and whipping back to front again, just waiting for someone else to jump on my back, to stab my heart, to look me in the eye as they raise their sword.
I don't like that the ones I defend myself against are the same ones I call friends.


I'm searching for community that somehow I can't find.
I'm searching for someone who knows me, not someone who just thinks they do,

God, maybe I'm just searching for you. I obeyed, and now in this waiting game, even in the moments of grace I'm fighting to find you, to know where you want me next. Take up this sword, because I'm getting weary and it's so heavy... be my Conqueror.
And be my Comfort, because I feel like I'm about to fall and I want YOU to be the one to catch me. 

Around the room, eyes pass over faces,
we see, but don't truly know.
And as we glance from side to side,
waiting in silence as the clock ticks
ticks
ticks
my heart freezes.

I am broken in a way they don't know,
that they'll never truly understand
and as those sets of eyes scan me,
I wonder what they see,
and if I'm hiding it well enough.


How can I be vulnerable

when I can't even escape my own shame?
I find mercy in moments of despair,
but never enough to truly forgive myself
never enough to fully take back what I gave away,
never enough to claim the newness in Christ
and freedom from things that are past.


Those moments defined me,
when temptation won over my commitment to Christ.
And now,
in the room with the eyes
I wonder who would see a stupid girl

and who could see something beautiful...

A confession about bible-reading, belonging, and other miscellaneous mind ramblings:

I recently gave my Bible away to a man who craved the words inside. This isn't sad to me. However, I must admit, it was hard to part with the underlinings and scrawling in the margins from the last couple years of discovering deeper truths, being brought to my knees by words that became real to me, promises that brought me comfort in times I was afraid, things that inspired me... it does bring a smile to my face though, when I think about the old native man out there who has a teenage girls bible, with quizzes like "Are you a diva, dream date, or doormat?" smack dab in the center =)

I have a new Bible. And with this new Bible has come a new perspective on the way I read. Before, I wanted to be able to get through the whole Bible. I underlined the things that stood out to me, but I blazed on through.

With this new bible, it's brought a slowing down and an appreciating of the words that God wants to share and the things he wants to reveal through his love story to me. I find that by casting away the notion of "just getting through it" and taking time to meditate and chew on it, there is SO MUCH MORE to be found... I've spent three days in Psalm 19 and 20, and it's been so cool. Psalms 20 actually is a special passage for me, as four people gave it to me separately during my time in Haiti. However, God is revealing different things to me through it even now! SO good.

When you take that extra time to be saturated in the words of love and wisdom written FOR YOU, you just find yourself in a place of amazement, and it's like getting a big warm God hug. I love that.

Another thing that has been persistently on my heart is belonging. I have spent my whole life striving to find a place that 'feels right'. It's almost as if I'm waiting for some magic bells to chime and a big booming voice to say "JESSICA, YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE!" Now, I've had this feeling in fleeting moments, but never felt like there was one place perfect for me. On every group of friends I have ever been apart of, I have always felt like an outcast, set apart for some reason. This bothered me for so long, and some days it still does when I see people who are so made for what they do.

But why am I searching for belonging? I don't belong to this world! I will not spend eternity praising God from here. Perhaps the very thing I am called to do is to be a willing servant, and let God use me, and that will be enough. No magic chimes, just blessed assurance!

There is so much more on my heart. God is just getting to me. I'm so excited!

I was going to write a rant about hugs,
but this guy pretty much says it all...

Bradley Hathaway: The Hug Poem

Through my eyes, I saw a beautiful people thrown into fire.

I cried out to God "Bring them water! Cease their suffering!"

But the fire grew, and so did their pain. Out of this, so did my frustration with my God - my supposedly compassionate Father.

The flames licked the air, claiming more lives, destroying more homes, loosing more control.

"God! Look at your people! Haven't they had enough?! Water!" I prayed.

I didn't understand.
But today, one of those beautiful people made it abundantly clear.
I'm praying for the wrong thing!

Water isn't what they need.
I need to pray for more fire.

That sounds absurd, doesn't it? Asking for more suffering, asking to be tried and brought to your knees in pain, to the very brink of brokenness...

But when you go through the fire, you come out on fire.

I saw that myself... how quickly I forgot the faith they showed amidst my prayers for them that life could be easier. But I have never met a people so desperate for a Savior, so passionate about God.

The fire in their life shows in their eyes... it consumes them and becomes JOY amidst LOSS... a STRENGTH amidst WEAK... it brings a depth to their relationship with our God that we should want to attain.

God, I pray for fire in my own life.
I pray that I would lose everything if it means being driven to my knees to seek you.
I pray that I would gain EVERYTHING in the cross.

Father... thank you for the perfect reminder, out of the mouth of your beautiful child, of someone you knew I would listen to... thank you

If I keep my eyes on you,
my Prize,
nothing will ever loose me from your clutch
and I will finish the race knowing
that nothing they did could stop me
from knowing you,
seeing the love in your eyes and wanting it,
from doing what you called me to
even when it hurt.

If I know that your arms are outstretched,
my Comforter,
then I will run full force into them.
When this hurt drives me to my knees
I know you'll be catching my tears
and crying with me.

If I know you stand before me,
my Conqueror
I can lay all these things at your feet
This hurt, pain, loneliness, shame, brokenness
and find rest.
The pain that is mine,
and the pain that I carry for others,
I lay it down.

Lock your gaze with mine,
so I can see the blazing love in your eyes
and be carried through.

What kind of world is this,
when the poor only get poorer?
When those who have already been so broken
are tried and tried again?

What kind of world is it when we stand by and watch?

God, break me instead,
show me pain,
the reality of being without a home,
the reality of being raped in front of an entire tent city
the reality of facing disease
and dying after surviving so much.

God, take me out of my comfort zone,
and if I can't get there...
help me understand...

(God led me to this verse...
yup, he listens...)
read in context of those in a tent city...WOW.


2 Corinthians 5:1-5

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I want to be so much more than I am,
I want to love you with so much more of my life.
I want to wake up every morning
not breathing air, but breathing you in.

I'm tired of wasted breaths,
carrying around an empty heart
because letting you break me is too scary.

The fact is, I'm broken already
but not a God-broken.
Just a messed up,
lonely
longing
of the world broken.
Be close to me,
I can't do this life without you
I can't wake up another morning pretending to know your love,
but shoving it off.

I love you,
but can you see it in the way I fall short?

Tonight I break,
in your presence, I will be broken
and I know I will be used for it.

White walls surround me on four sides. There is no way out, nor is there a way in. On the wall behind me, the one I would have to look behind me to see, there is a rough, square shape cut. Covered sloppily with plaster and a hue of white that doesn't match, it glares as a reminder of what once was there. A window.

But, you already knew that. After all, you're the one who looked in one day and saw something inside, something you loved. You knocked on the glass, and I opened it. How curious it was, this air that you breathed in your outside world. It was fresh, and different, and I grew to enjoy the visits at my little window.

You showed me a world beyond my little boxed in walls. You glowed as you told me stories of things you had planned, and I shared in your excitement. Then one day, you reached in the window, and told me you loved me, and I knew I loved you back.

And then, the most remarkable of moments. You asked me to climb out my window, out of my comfortable little room, and into the place you had whispered to me about. I was scared by your offer, but captivated, and so I followed you. I climbed clumsily out my window and stepped into your world.

It was every bit as breathtaking as you had described. As we walked together, I experienced life as I had never known it. There was joy and love abounding, there was sadness and heartbreak to feel, and despite all of our talks at my little window, I was experiencing you closely, wonderfully, for the first time.

After I grew weary, you brought me back to my little room. It seemed so dull in comparison to what I had seen with you. You kissed my forehead, and whispered that you would be back in the morning, and so I slept peacefully.

Morning hasn't come, or perhaps it did, and my agitation shadowed it as it passed. The window, once clear and ready for your visit, now is replaced by the makeshift plaster wall.

I know you're out there, and I know you see me in these walls, fitful, and longing to walk in your world, to see it through your eyes again.

I need you to let me out again.

Here I am at your feet, with knuckles painted white,
all my heart splayed out from the things I've clutched so tight,
While you break me,
will you fill the empty cracks,
I know you're calling me to something bigger,
and I just can't see yet


With blind faith, and unsure feet,
here I fall,
Father, will you carry me?
With a breaking heart, and broken dreams
Father, take me

awakened

It's been a hard week, and I've lost sight of why I'm here, why I'm bothering with this college thing. I allowed my mind to get wrapped up in the work that was still to do, rather than the result that is still to come.

But today - today I was reminded. Hit with a ton of bricks, full-force in the heart as a reminder of my purpose in this time and place.

It was a reminder in the form of a picture. Dark, smooth skin clinging too tightly to the ribs. Big, dark eyes, beautiful even in their sadness. A silent cry for help - and my heart was swept. Swept into the places I've denied it to wander, to the place I know it will break again if I allow my senses to remember.

I never forgot. I could never forget. But I didn't allow myself to feel. And now, knowing that nine months ago my life was changed at the raised hands of Haitian women praising the Lord despite what they lost, despite the uncertainty of not knowing....

I feel again.

Father, thank you for inviting me into Your presence today. To take a step back and find peace in all You are, to have love overtake my heart, and to be consumed by your glory...

In this season of my life,
You shed the colors that my human hands have painted
the glory my meager imagination tainted,
for it wasn't big enough to grasp you,
I stand in awe as your colors burst through,
the unchanging colors of You.

And as the leaves I use to hide my face from you fall away,
I stand naked and bare before you
Longing for you to deepen these roots,
let your living waters flow
Preserve your joy in me as winter comes.

I'm supposed to be running this race for you,
and not against others.
But yet, I find myself seeing those farther ahead
and, upon seeing their successes,
stumble even farther behind.

Like a bride, seeing her Bridegroom for the first time,
lift my veil and turn your face to me,
so I may know in full Your glory.
With all the devotion a bride shows her Bridegroom,
may I give myself fully to you,
so that the rest of the world falls away.
I want to run this race looking solely at the goal,
the prize that is in You
my Romancer, my Comfort, my Rock.
I want to find my beauty... my worth
in Your eyes

I'm being held together by the One who knows just how badly I've fallen apart. It's not about the sin anymore, for He has been strong for me, and I've left those chains behind. There is a victory cry in my heart, for it has been a long time since I have been free to take this many steps away.


But now, I'm still broken, and fighting to piece it all together- the girl that learned from her past experiences coming together with the one He is shaping me to be. I keep fumbling, because I don't know where these pieces fit, and so I wait for His gentle hands to show me,


and I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting for you in the storm,
to hear your thunderous voice command the sky.
As the rains fall, with my palms raised,
I'm waiting for your reply.

I'm waiting for you in the city,
to see a neon sign etched with your words
And as the world speeds on, I know it won't be long
I know you're answering the prayer that you heard.

Father, I'm so bad at being still and knowing
when my longing for you is only growing,
But if in the quiet, you're made known
Let the silence stretch,
in your whisper, I will catch the love you've shown.

You didn't come in the fire,
the earthquake or the wind
By your hand,
the blackest storm clouds rescind.
Your whisper comes,
when tranquil breaths are taken
so God I pray
don't let me be shaken,
let me listen.

Father I'm so bad, at being still and knowing
but this yearning in me, you know its only growing
If you'd take this quiet, and make yourself known
let this silence stretch
let it stretch
and in your whisper, I will catch the love you've shown.

I'm stuck inside glass walls,
pounding my fists against the glass
But in this airtight space,
I am choked out by the lack of you,
your living breath
And as the tears come
and the fight goes out of me,
I'm left to wonder
why you aren't fighting for me.

I used to hear you,
feel you,
breathe you
but I feel nothing.
I hear nothing.
Am I on a different frequency,
because all I hear is the dead air echoing.
Do you not hear these heart cries,
see me wanting you??

I'm frustrated with you.
I want so badly to be that little girl
falling at your feet
and in your love, I know you'd take me
but somehow I can't
because I'm trapped in these glass walls
where omnipresence feels laughable
Where are you?
I've never needed you more.

I know you hold the hammer
to shatter these walls
I know you are the only one who can break me down
I'm begging you to meet me in this place where I'm condemned

I'm opening up my scars,
I'm tracing all my wounds
with the salt you left me,
and the condemnation too

A pinch is all it takes,
you know I'll soon be writhing
Just enough to feel the burn
but not enough to feel like crying

Once more to feel the burn,
and I'll be gone again
I swore I'd never let you touch me,
with your salt-filled hands

Funny how you always win.

I'm healing all my wounds,
tracing all my scars,
time was never healing to me,
but You are

A pinch of love is all it takes,
and I'll soon by crying
It's just enough to know I'm worth it,
by the tears You're drying

Once more, to be in your arms
I'll never leave again
I swore I'd always love you
I'm thankful You believed me then.

Funny how you knew it when I didn't.

And I'm finding beauty
in all the scars that brought me here,
even when my fists were furled.
You take the salt in the wound,
to be the salt of the world.

I don't want you to see me like this,
forced to my knees by your enemy,
as he massages his deceit in my brain,
his fingers oozing with sinful desire,
things that seem, at first glance, so good
but yet so godless,
and therefore, not good at all.


And I was enticed and enchanted again,
I heard you calling my name in desperation,
but I did not listen.


And now, here I am,
naked, and shamed
too afraid to confess,
too broken not to cry
knowing this time,
you could not possibly look upon me in love.


Not because your love can be exhausted,
for I would have depleted my share long ago.
And not because I feel I don't deserve it
because I never did.
But this time, this millionth time
of falling at your feet and weeping,
knowing how badly I hurt you,
I don't know how I can continue to accept your amazing grace
and then abuse it.


Just once, I should be known for who I am,
who I really am,
the girl I'm disgusted with,
the one I try so fiercely to hide,
the one controlled by the same sin.
Just once to be seen for that
and feel the judgment I deserve
the wrath I've incurred
instead of the love that I can never repay.


I long for you,
Iong for these shackles to bind me to you
instead of to this disease of sin.
I long for those moments of passion
to break me free of his wretched claim,
though I AM YOURS,
I find freedom where you are...


but tonight I can't bear for you to look at me.


God, I'm so sorry.

What could ever bring such a perfect Love,
to gently brush these tear stained cheeks,
look into these shame filled eyes,
and kiss the hand of a sinner?

for my haiti friends.

To the ones who get it...
the ones who were there.
The ones whose lives were changed that day.
The ones who watched with me, who were on the outside, but yet in the midst of the pain that wasn't ours, a pain that ensured we would spend our lives loving and learning from those who felt that pain.
To the ones who aren't there anymore, and left to scrounging for news, thirsty to know whats happening, and still trying to process what they saw and felt in their hearts.

Somedays, I'm still not okay. And I know you aren't either. I know that the smell of garlic transports you to the mid-mornings, when lunch is being prepared. I know that sounds of tree frogs take you back to the nights. I know that everytime you hear a rooster, you have to smile, because you think about the confused ones that crow all through the night while you bitterly think about it ending up on your table. Or if you're Tas, you remember, with terror, the fierce rooster attacks, and see the faces of those Haitian men laughing as you shriek and dance and run. I know that you have empty-arm syndrome and that your ears feel hollow because the sounds of the kids laughing isn't echoing there. I know you wish you could look into those big dark eyes and fall in love again.

I know that everytime you look up and see the ceiling fan swinging that you freeze and wonder if the ground is moving. I know you look around wildly, searching for another set of frantic eyes to confirm what you fear, but find nothing. I know that you have nightmares that feel so real, you'd swear you were still there. I know that the littlest amount of movement, on a bed, in a store, anywhere, sends terror coursing through you, that your heart beats faster, and you lose grip of the fact that you are safe, all in just a moment.

I know most of all that everyday you wake up, you want to be there.

Yes, somedays I am still a mess, and the only thing that breaks through is taking to you. Because you were there, you understand without me fumbling to explain. I miss you guys, but I'm also blessed that I got to know you, your hearts... You all shaped me in some way. Thankyou.
ps... on those not-so-good days, I hope you'll call me :)

normal will never be the same.

There are times when I am so close to going through a day in a normal sense, days where my heart doesn't break so much and I can recognize why I'm here, in Lethbridge, getting ready to go to college. Most of this week has been like that. Accepting that what I'm learning is going to be so useful for the future. Actually becoming excited that I have something to work towards.


But then I read something like A Night of Hell  and my heart breaks all over again. Wishing that even though my hands aren't nimble with training that they could hold the hand of a woman who is afraid, that I could soothe the fear in their eyes and the terror in their heart and just be there in love.


Tonight, I echo her prayer... and I know He's listening.

a less angry rant about forgiveness.

Once, I thought forgiveness was easy. In my head, forgiveness was a fairly logical thing to do. See, forgiveness is a stumper, a Wait- what just happened?


I don't think forgiveness is easy anymore. In fact, forgiveness is about the most illogical reaction to being wronged that comes to mind at all. Revenge? Logical. Justice? Fair. But forgiveness? Letting go of that anger and that hurt, pardoning whoever did you wrong and letting them continue on their hurtful way without consequence? That seems to border on insanity.


I always thought I had the forgiveness thing fairly downpat, though some people may venture to call me a doormat. When someone hurt me, I was quick to shove the dirt under the rug and act like nothing had happened. But that wasn't forgiveness.


There came a time when I was hurt by people, and I was hurt bad. This time, I didn't shove it under the rug and pretend everything was okay. This time, I hurt so badly I let it pour back out, lacing words with venom and contempt. That was definitely not forgiveness.


Upon that realization, I reverted to my old approach. I tried to push the hurt down and act like I was fine, and that things weren't different. But I wasn't, and they were, and I found that hurt I'd shoved down hurtling out of me at an alarming pace, bitterness spilling out of me when I least expected it. That was not forgiveness.


In my head, forgiveness was easy. It was logical. You said the words, and everything was okay again. You tell yourself that it doesn't bother you, and you go on your way. But head-forgiveness isn't true forgiveness. Saying the words because you don't want to be hurt anymore won't take that hurt away.


It took months for me to discover true forgiveness, forgiveness at it's rawest and purest form. Forgiveness that meant going back to the place you were hurt the most, and facing the pain. Letting go of the pain. This forgiveness, this illogical, insane pardoning- it was forgiveness of the heart.


Forgiveness of the heart is illogical. It's ridiculously hard to seperate the action from the feeling, and on your own strength, the effort is too much. But we're not made to forgive on our own strength. We have an Ultimate Forgiver, who paid the most illogical, insane price of all, and gave us pardon as a gift of love.


That's what the key to forgiveness of the heart is- sacrifice. Taking your bent up pride, setting it aside, and letting go. Not because it is the logical thing to do, but because it's so illogical that it creates that ...Wait- what just happened? moment. It's so illogical that it can only be given as an outlet of the One who forgave us first, who loved us most.


The hurt from only a few people ravaged my heart for a long time, and I'm still healing. Hurt from a few people.
Father God... we hurt You every single day. Billions of us. Turning away. Running the opposite direction. Spitting on the cross You sent Your son to hang from for us. And we say we can't forgive? How I wish I could fathom Your compassion for a people you could have destroyed time and time again, a people you could force to love You in Your power. And yet, instead, You wait with open arms for us to make that choice, to run full tilt into Your mercy-filled arms and be washed clean of our inequities, the very things that we've done to hurt You. I can't fathom love like You. But as You have forgiven me, work Your heart into mine, so that I may forgive others the way You forgave me; so that they can scratch their heads as the cycle breaks and attempt to understand Your forgiveness, love, and character... so that by my meager pardon, they may realize the greatest pardon of all in Your eyes...
I'm astounded by You, once again. I love You.

a rant against consumerism

Everytime I step into a mall, I want to cry. Today, I came very close. I just don't get it. Thousands of people, walking into stores, and coming out like they've found exactly what they've been looking for.
Newsflash... that eighty dollar hoodie is not going to sort out your problems. Those brand-name shoes may look cool, but they're just shoes, and they won't make walking through life any easier. That t-shirt you bought does not have the meaning of life written across the front in big bold letters.

The truth is, all I see in the eyes of people in the mall is hunger - a greed to be filled by consuming. And sure, nice new clothes will make you feel good for a while, but you'll always wind up wanting more, because they don't last. They can't satisfy you.
What I would really like to know is, when did we trade being grateful for having clothes on our backs to only being satisfied if the right name was on the front? When did a t-shirt turn into an identity, that if we wear the right one, we must have worth? Have we so quickly forgotten who values us most??

What I see most in the eyes of people in malls is unhappiness. Discontent.

I hate walking down malls, because I think of how much our money could be better spent. Do we really need what we're buying, or could we be using that money on people, people who don't go to malls. I honestly think back to the streets in Haiti, the meager markets, and I think of what these people would say if they saw how much we consume. In third world countries, markets are where people make a living, how they find a way to support their family. Here, we have taken that and mass produced it into a materialistic form of capitalism on steroids, where corporations with millions seek to make more millions.

The craziest thing is, when I went to Haiti, those people had joy in their eyes. Joy without the expensive hoodies and the brand name shoes. Joy in each other. Joy in God. Joy in life...

and you know what? I truly believe we're the poor ones.

even so, it is well with my soul

I have a confession.

I am wrapped up in myself. I am selfish. I go on facebook more than I read my Bible. I talk to my friends more than I talk to God. I worry about paying for college more than I worry about where my next meal will come from. 

But my heart is breaking, because I feel this anguish for what is going on in this world. So many tragedies that go unreported and unnoticed, places where hate festers and tensions tear nation apart. There are places where countless children die of AIDS, and because they don't have clean water, or food to eat. There are places where woman are sold to the highest bidder. There are places where genocides run rampant and people live in fear, where woman and children are raped and men are murdered. There are places where natural disasters strike and leave insurmountable pain and destruction in their wake. There are places where Christians are persecuted severely for the very thing I take for granted.

So I ask myself this... how can I not be moved by this? How can I watch these very people struggle and yet praise God while I, in my comfort, praise Him when it's convenient for my schedule? How can I sit here, knowing those people, those lives, those beating hearts matter, and be silent???

God... we are a world that has fallen so far from what You intended, and I cannot even fathom how much it breaks Your heart when people you have placed in opportunity do nothing when the people You love are hurting. I'm just me, I'm so unremarkable, but I want to be an instrument of change in Your name, because You are Remarkable. I pray for every broken heart in this world, every circumstance that is out of our hands. I pray that Your children could know Your goodness and Your comfort and Your love for them. I pray for every capable heart, that You would equip it with Your love, use the broken to lead the broken to Your cross and Your grace. God I don't get this world, it doesn't seem fair to me. But the people I see afflicted and in these circumstances, they have joy in Your name. They rely on you with a fierceness. I want to pursue You with that fierceness. I want to love people intentionally. Even though this world is messed up, You are a Healer and Fixer and You will whole everything that is broken. I love you. 

to the extent of human loneliness

Are you feeling alone tonight,
knowing no one will wipe your tears,
a drink in your hand,
no one asks to understand
yeah, I'll drink to that

They wrap the world in a paper-man chain
so where is your hand to hold
Oh, these paper thin grasps,
how can they last
surrounded on all sides, but so alone

Are you feeling alone tonight,
crying to an audience of stars
they silently listen
as suspended there they glisten,
like the tears that are falling to the floor

Because they wrap the world in a paper-man chain,
oh, where is your hand to hold?
Those paperthin grasps,
do they even last,
surrounded on all sides, but so alone.

I'm on my knees tonight,
because tonight I feel so alone,
praying for You
to come and pull me through
because I know you hear this lonely song

They wrap the world in a paper-man chain,
but You wrap me in unfailing love,
Grasped in Your grace,
consumed by Your gaze,
and the peace of You making Yourself known,
I'm not alone

They wrap the world in a paper-man chain
but human hands are too flimsy to hold...
so I'm holding You
I'll be holding You

7 months, 11 days.

"Risk being uncomfortable. Leave the borders of America, placing yourself in uncomfortable, difficult circumstances. Go to places that disturb you, that upset your idea of the American dream, so that you can dream Kingdom-of-God dreams. Don't settle for complacent ordinariness. Dare to let God blow up your comfortable box. Dare to go to places where only Jesus can pull you through. Risk resting in the sovereignty of God. And above all, strive to worship God wherever He leads you!" -Anonymous

I will never regret taking that step.