I just need a place to get it all down, because it's too easy not to be honest when you feel you have to screen the contents of your heart, instead of just allowing them to spill out onto the page, as messy and haphazard as they may be. And so, I find my reverie in the place where I am unknown, where my audience is of no consequence. Where I may uncensor all my feelings and incur the courage to summon the very depths of my soul to the surface.

And yet, the most beautiful thing about it is that I am not unknown. I am fully known. And my audience does matter, just not in the way one would assume. And here, the audience of peers falls away, until just One remains. And that is the way I long it to be anyways.

Tonight, I feel like I am lacking. Tonight, once more, my imperfections drive me to my knees to cry out to my Savior to perfect me. And He answers back, "My power is made perfect in weakness".  He answers back that He will be faithful to complete what He has begun in me. To journey. And I long for the release of surrender, to hand Him the pen of whatever my life will become so He can author it, and I will just walk in it.

And the thing I am most tired of is the fact that I constantly rely on tangible things. That even when I desire and hunger for God the most that I cling to the relationships I can find in man. I can't even just sit down and spill my hearts content out unto you, my Jesus, knowing full well you would receive it joyfully. I clutch desperately at relationships as if they will satisfy me. And when I am losing control, I try to re-connect with people that I used to be close with. I feel on the outskirts everywhere. Even when I am close to people, I long for more depth.

And right now, I long so completely for a soul-deep connection with someone. Someone that I can talk to about anything. Someone that I can expose the very depths of my heart to without fear of judgment. Someone that will encourage me in my fears and uplift me, and someone I can reciprocally serve in that way. To encourage, to build up, to journey with.  I want more than lop-sided relationships, because I have plenty of those where I do too much talking. I want to be the listener. I want to be the giver. I want to share anothers journey and bear burdens in prayer... I crave reciprocation. Because I feel like in all my relationships I do more taking than giving! Three cord relationship. Friendship. Gut-wrenching heart spillage. It's my hearts cry.

And I HAVE THAT IN JESUS. But I don't even know the fullness of that. But I want to. I want to throw aside the search to find that tangibly. I just want to be wrapped up in you Jesus, satisfied completely in you. Nothing less than that. Nothing like the empty things I've been settling for. I long for more, my heart yearns for it.

I want to know You, because though You know me fully, I have MUCH to know about Your fullness, the depth to which Your grace extends, the power with which Your spirit moves... I want to know it ALL! 

This life will disappoint you time and time again
 if the quality of your results is what you put your trust in
and you can hold up that measuring stick next to what you do,
but no matter how hard you try, its never going to satisfy you.
You can bleed yourself dry making the sacrifices that you think need to,
 but the blood spilled out won't save you; for another has already claimed you.
So cut your neck free from those carts you pull,
and be pulled into the heart of a Love that is whole.
Abolish the slavery of striving for what is already yours,
of struggling for a prize that the cross already bore.
And the words "It is finished" means you are free,
it is to righteousness you are enslaved,
not a compensation to be paid
it is for freedom that you are free.

And fear falls away when His perfect love is present,
when you know that in His nose, your aroma is pleasant
and nothing can separate you from His love
not even you.

"burn away the pride
bring me to my weakness
'til everything i hide behind is gone
when i'm open wide
with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
cause honestly, i'm not that strong

i'm not alright
i'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through
it leads me to you"
-sanctus real

to the ones who need a Savior

I don't know where to go to say this. I don't know where it's okay to stand up and say "Hey. Today, I'm not okay. Today I have doubts that are too big for me to carry." I don't know where to go so that the hot tears falling down my face don't feel like weakness to me. I don't know where to go.

Except I do know. I know of this amazing place called the Presence of the Most High God. I know of a throne room where the Holy of Holies sits, clothed in rainbows of colors that my mind cannot even imagine. I know there is a fire that burns intensely around this throne, that the sounds of angels songs can be heard with rushing winds. And the glory of the King is seen in majestic light that penetrates so far that darkness cannot bear to be present.

But in my life, there is darkness.
In my life, there are expectations that I weigh myself down with. A bar set impossibly high. Things that I can't do. There is a fear of failure so deep that I don't even hear the words of encouragement anymore, only the words that I expect to hear: the words that say Jessica, you are not enough.

And you'd think, given the fact that my Savior uses people who are weak, that He calls the imperfect people and the outcasts and the losers and the broken and the failures... you would think that I could see the beauty in the fact that I could let myself be used... if only I could abandon myself to the cross.

But I'm clutching my weakness. I am clutching my failure so tight that I won't even let Jesus have it because I for some reason believe I am not even good enough to be covered by the blood of the lamb.
And it pains me to admit that, to press the keys and form the words that I, in some audacity, believe I can outwit the grace of God, that I can escape it, that I am too far gone to receive what was paid for with such a high price. It's shameful to admit, but my pride is so huge that I can't bear the words that I am not good enough another moment. My pride won't let it be about God... it makes it about me.

Today, I am not okay. Today, I have big doubts and they are too heavy for me to carry. Today, I would rather hide in a bathroom than let anyone see these tears. And today, even though I know exactly where I need to go, I find that I can't get there on my own. That no amount of striving, no amount of anything Jessica can do, no matter how hard I scrub my filthy hands, that I cannot be cleansed of these lies and these sins and this pride.

I need a Savior.
 I need strength in my weakness. I need to fall on my face in that throne room and confess that my present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in me, by the grace of my really big, unfathomably loving Daddy. By the blood of the lamb. I need to dwell in the TRUTH.

Today... if you aren't okay, if you are carrying doubts that you just can't drop, if you are ashamed to let your tears fall... you need a Savior too. And you are NOT alone. You are not alone, and your story doesn't end in this place. You are More than a Conqueror because you belong to the Victory Claimer.(Romans8) Your tears are wiped away by the very hand of God (Revelation7) The Lord restores your soul (Psalm23) You are redeemed, and He calls you His (Isaiah43)

It's okay to not be okay today. Just know you aren't defeated... you are on the winning side. I'm on the winning side. And we are loved with a love so deep and high and wide and full.. so satisfying. A love that has redeemed us and saved us... when we needed a Savior.

A fistful of ashes, You trade me for treasure
I say "But it's good!"
You respond "I have better"