I'm supposed to be running this race for you,
and not against others.
But yet, I find myself seeing those farther ahead
and, upon seeing their successes,
stumble even farther behind.

Like a bride, seeing her Bridegroom for the first time,
lift my veil and turn your face to me,
so I may know in full Your glory.
With all the devotion a bride shows her Bridegroom,
may I give myself fully to you,
so that the rest of the world falls away.
I want to run this race looking solely at the goal,
the prize that is in You
my Romancer, my Comfort, my Rock.
I want to find my beauty... my worth
in Your eyes

I'm being held together by the One who knows just how badly I've fallen apart. It's not about the sin anymore, for He has been strong for me, and I've left those chains behind. There is a victory cry in my heart, for it has been a long time since I have been free to take this many steps away.


But now, I'm still broken, and fighting to piece it all together- the girl that learned from her past experiences coming together with the one He is shaping me to be. I keep fumbling, because I don't know where these pieces fit, and so I wait for His gentle hands to show me,


and I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting for you in the storm,
to hear your thunderous voice command the sky.
As the rains fall, with my palms raised,
I'm waiting for your reply.

I'm waiting for you in the city,
to see a neon sign etched with your words
And as the world speeds on, I know it won't be long
I know you're answering the prayer that you heard.

Father, I'm so bad at being still and knowing
when my longing for you is only growing,
But if in the quiet, you're made known
Let the silence stretch,
in your whisper, I will catch the love you've shown.

You didn't come in the fire,
the earthquake or the wind
By your hand,
the blackest storm clouds rescind.
Your whisper comes,
when tranquil breaths are taken
so God I pray
don't let me be shaken,
let me listen.

Father I'm so bad, at being still and knowing
but this yearning in me, you know its only growing
If you'd take this quiet, and make yourself known
let this silence stretch
let it stretch
and in your whisper, I will catch the love you've shown.

I'm stuck inside glass walls,
pounding my fists against the glass
But in this airtight space,
I am choked out by the lack of you,
your living breath
And as the tears come
and the fight goes out of me,
I'm left to wonder
why you aren't fighting for me.

I used to hear you,
feel you,
breathe you
but I feel nothing.
I hear nothing.
Am I on a different frequency,
because all I hear is the dead air echoing.
Do you not hear these heart cries,
see me wanting you??

I'm frustrated with you.
I want so badly to be that little girl
falling at your feet
and in your love, I know you'd take me
but somehow I can't
because I'm trapped in these glass walls
where omnipresence feels laughable
Where are you?
I've never needed you more.

I know you hold the hammer
to shatter these walls
I know you are the only one who can break me down
I'm begging you to meet me in this place where I'm condemned

I'm opening up my scars,
I'm tracing all my wounds
with the salt you left me,
and the condemnation too

A pinch is all it takes,
you know I'll soon be writhing
Just enough to feel the burn
but not enough to feel like crying

Once more to feel the burn,
and I'll be gone again
I swore I'd never let you touch me,
with your salt-filled hands

Funny how you always win.

I'm healing all my wounds,
tracing all my scars,
time was never healing to me,
but You are

A pinch of love is all it takes,
and I'll soon by crying
It's just enough to know I'm worth it,
by the tears You're drying

Once more, to be in your arms
I'll never leave again
I swore I'd always love you
I'm thankful You believed me then.

Funny how you knew it when I didn't.

And I'm finding beauty
in all the scars that brought me here,
even when my fists were furled.
You take the salt in the wound,
to be the salt of the world.

I don't want you to see me like this,
forced to my knees by your enemy,
as he massages his deceit in my brain,
his fingers oozing with sinful desire,
things that seem, at first glance, so good
but yet so godless,
and therefore, not good at all.


And I was enticed and enchanted again,
I heard you calling my name in desperation,
but I did not listen.


And now, here I am,
naked, and shamed
too afraid to confess,
too broken not to cry
knowing this time,
you could not possibly look upon me in love.


Not because your love can be exhausted,
for I would have depleted my share long ago.
And not because I feel I don't deserve it
because I never did.
But this time, this millionth time
of falling at your feet and weeping,
knowing how badly I hurt you,
I don't know how I can continue to accept your amazing grace
and then abuse it.


Just once, I should be known for who I am,
who I really am,
the girl I'm disgusted with,
the one I try so fiercely to hide,
the one controlled by the same sin.
Just once to be seen for that
and feel the judgment I deserve
the wrath I've incurred
instead of the love that I can never repay.


I long for you,
Iong for these shackles to bind me to you
instead of to this disease of sin.
I long for those moments of passion
to break me free of his wretched claim,
though I AM YOURS,
I find freedom where you are...


but tonight I can't bear for you to look at me.


God, I'm so sorry.

What could ever bring such a perfect Love,
to gently brush these tear stained cheeks,
look into these shame filled eyes,
and kiss the hand of a sinner?

for my haiti friends.

To the ones who get it...
the ones who were there.
The ones whose lives were changed that day.
The ones who watched with me, who were on the outside, but yet in the midst of the pain that wasn't ours, a pain that ensured we would spend our lives loving and learning from those who felt that pain.
To the ones who aren't there anymore, and left to scrounging for news, thirsty to know whats happening, and still trying to process what they saw and felt in their hearts.

Somedays, I'm still not okay. And I know you aren't either. I know that the smell of garlic transports you to the mid-mornings, when lunch is being prepared. I know that sounds of tree frogs take you back to the nights. I know that everytime you hear a rooster, you have to smile, because you think about the confused ones that crow all through the night while you bitterly think about it ending up on your table. Or if you're Tas, you remember, with terror, the fierce rooster attacks, and see the faces of those Haitian men laughing as you shriek and dance and run. I know that you have empty-arm syndrome and that your ears feel hollow because the sounds of the kids laughing isn't echoing there. I know you wish you could look into those big dark eyes and fall in love again.

I know that everytime you look up and see the ceiling fan swinging that you freeze and wonder if the ground is moving. I know you look around wildly, searching for another set of frantic eyes to confirm what you fear, but find nothing. I know that you have nightmares that feel so real, you'd swear you were still there. I know that the littlest amount of movement, on a bed, in a store, anywhere, sends terror coursing through you, that your heart beats faster, and you lose grip of the fact that you are safe, all in just a moment.

I know most of all that everyday you wake up, you want to be there.

Yes, somedays I am still a mess, and the only thing that breaks through is taking to you. Because you were there, you understand without me fumbling to explain. I miss you guys, but I'm also blessed that I got to know you, your hearts... You all shaped me in some way. Thankyou.
ps... on those not-so-good days, I hope you'll call me :)

normal will never be the same.

There are times when I am so close to going through a day in a normal sense, days where my heart doesn't break so much and I can recognize why I'm here, in Lethbridge, getting ready to go to college. Most of this week has been like that. Accepting that what I'm learning is going to be so useful for the future. Actually becoming excited that I have something to work towards.


But then I read something like A Night of Hell  and my heart breaks all over again. Wishing that even though my hands aren't nimble with training that they could hold the hand of a woman who is afraid, that I could soothe the fear in their eyes and the terror in their heart and just be there in love.


Tonight, I echo her prayer... and I know He's listening.