God is faithful.

Psalm 55:22  Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

As I read this tonight, I wondered about righteousness. I wondered why I couldn't seem to claim it, because I didn't feel deserving of it. But then I got this picture of the King, God the Father, wrapping me in garments. He clothes me in righteousness. And they weren't any that came from my own closet... Jesus gave me His so that I might approach the throne. Garments dipped in the blood of His sacrifice.  And He asks that we would cast our cares on Him... because He cares that much that the little things that drive us to our knees matter to Him. The God of the Universe wants to hear the contents of our hearts... every tiny bit. We give this to Him, and in turn, He sustains us. That is too amazing for words!

My Aunt posted this quote from AW Tozer on facebook, and its BIG... "We please God most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms". Again... it's like a religion thing. Do we take it on ourselves or realize Jesus already took it so we CAN have access to our Father? Why do we spend so much time trying to cleanse what we needed a Savior to do for us, what has already been done? Oh, that I would truly realize that nothing can separate me from His love! Not even me. Not even the chasm created by my shame... thank you Jesus.

Also, you should probably read Palm 55-57.
I felt so restless all week, and even though I knew why, even though I knew I was keeping myself from my Wonderful, I couldn't bring myself there. And when I finally gave up running... there was grace. Hallelujah.

On another note... God has been painting the sky something amazing lately... and it truly proclaims His glory... the colors run with all the measure of His faithfulness, the sky is filled with the intensity of His unending love.

But as for me, I will trust in you. (Psalm 55:23b)

I want to be changed by the cross,
to be made new in the love offering that poured out of the blood that Jesus shed as He took the penalty that was MY debt owed. I've neglected the gravity of what the cross stands for. I have forgotten and ignored the price that was paid. I have skipped over the anguish and declared the love of the sacrifice without even understanding what it cost.

And I'll never fully know what it cost to see my sin hanging there, nailed to the cross on the arms of my Savior.

Father, open my eyes to be humbled by how HUGELY UNFATHOMABLE your redemption plan was. A plan that didn't make sense, when it meant giving yourself in a place of a people who didn't deserve your love. And you loved anyway. You loved us in such an intense way that our human minds can't even pierce the mystery of it.

The truth is, no matter how hard we attempt to 'get' it, we never will feel the weight of the stones that were hurled, or the hate that spilled out from the shouts of the crowd. We will never feel the sting of flesh ripped from back, or smell our own blood as it spill from where nails are driven into our hands. We are so far from knowing the weight of the cross. This was OUR penalty. This is what I deserved, in my sin and my shame, I deserved the burn for eternity, separated from my Maker because NOTHING I COULD DO could bridge the gap. And yet, with a fierce love that I don't even understand, He gave EVERYTHING to undo the curse. He purchased me back from my prostitution.

Father!! I cry out to you... let this change my heart. How can I live to satisfy myself any longer? How can I live so selfishly, with my pride in the way? Bulldoze me. Strip my comforts away. Wake this heart that is dead in sin... revive me in grace. Overcome me. Humble me. Your sacrifice is too big to ignore, Your love too great to push away. Father... let me never enter into Your courts of praise without acknowledging the sacrifice you gave, so that I may realize how fully I need you.

Oh, adulteress heart, be settled!
Rest in the all-consuming love of your Bridegroom.
Though you are in the desert
He has brought purpose to each step
and life to what was dead and hardened.
He is leading you, and romancing you
He has brought you here so that only He can quench your thirsty soul
with waters that extend to reach in the most intimate places of your being.

Oh, wandering heart, be still,
for your Bridegroom has given you all you require
His vow is forever, and His covenant unbroken.
You are cherished
and made quiet in His love.
You are made beautiful by His delight in you.
His pleasure rests on you before you even rise with the sun to face the day.
You need only bask in the gloriousness of His pure, passionate LOVE!

Oh heart, so prone to fear and run
BE CAPTURED
Be captivated by the alluring pursuit of the greatest Love you'll ever know
that will be faithful and gentle,
wildly passionate and strong.
He will delight in you eternally, and pursue you enduringly
You are the one His heart burns relentlessly for.
The one He would stop at nothing for so that He may call you His
The one who changes your name to 'Sought After'
He has taken your rags and impurity
and washed you in His crimson sacrifice.
He adorns you with robes of righteousness
and clothes you with garments of salvation.

Oh heart, so hesitant to lose control,
give it all!
Your name is engraved in His hand,
and written into His book of life.
His love burns for you,
jealously, it binds you to Him
so that you who belong to Him cannot fathom the depth of His longing for you
for how passionately He desires your whole heart,

Oh heart, be swept away in the love
that paid the price that you weren't worth,
but the love that allowed you to share in His holiness,
to abide in His courts,
to sit on His throne
to rest in His shadow
and to share in His victory.
.

It is your forever love bond.

here-in lies the chaos

I want to give it all away.
My heart screams for it, longs for it,
yearns for the desire to lose it all for Christ.
But I get so caught up in trying to make sacrifices
that I spend more time trying to count it as loss than in the presence of God.
And how much more would all the things I am trying to lose pale in comparison if I actually dwelled in Christ?!

I run the race, but take my eyes off the prize
and my feet become entangled by the ropes of my pride
and I fall
because I took my eyes off who I was running for
and compared myself to who I was running with.
And all the while,
there was no 'checkpoint'
there was no place I reached that made me any more worthy.
There was just grace.

Teach me Lord to have faith,
to seek relationship
instead of empty religion.

I just need a place to get it all down, because it's too easy not to be honest when you feel you have to screen the contents of your heart, instead of just allowing them to spill out onto the page, as messy and haphazard as they may be. And so, I find my reverie in the place where I am unknown, where my audience is of no consequence. Where I may uncensor all my feelings and incur the courage to summon the very depths of my soul to the surface.

And yet, the most beautiful thing about it is that I am not unknown. I am fully known. And my audience does matter, just not in the way one would assume. And here, the audience of peers falls away, until just One remains. And that is the way I long it to be anyways.

Tonight, I feel like I am lacking. Tonight, once more, my imperfections drive me to my knees to cry out to my Savior to perfect me. And He answers back, "My power is made perfect in weakness".  He answers back that He will be faithful to complete what He has begun in me. To journey. And I long for the release of surrender, to hand Him the pen of whatever my life will become so He can author it, and I will just walk in it.

And the thing I am most tired of is the fact that I constantly rely on tangible things. That even when I desire and hunger for God the most that I cling to the relationships I can find in man. I can't even just sit down and spill my hearts content out unto you, my Jesus, knowing full well you would receive it joyfully. I clutch desperately at relationships as if they will satisfy me. And when I am losing control, I try to re-connect with people that I used to be close with. I feel on the outskirts everywhere. Even when I am close to people, I long for more depth.

And right now, I long so completely for a soul-deep connection with someone. Someone that I can talk to about anything. Someone that I can expose the very depths of my heart to without fear of judgment. Someone that will encourage me in my fears and uplift me, and someone I can reciprocally serve in that way. To encourage, to build up, to journey with.  I want more than lop-sided relationships, because I have plenty of those where I do too much talking. I want to be the listener. I want to be the giver. I want to share anothers journey and bear burdens in prayer... I crave reciprocation. Because I feel like in all my relationships I do more taking than giving! Three cord relationship. Friendship. Gut-wrenching heart spillage. It's my hearts cry.

And I HAVE THAT IN JESUS. But I don't even know the fullness of that. But I want to. I want to throw aside the search to find that tangibly. I just want to be wrapped up in you Jesus, satisfied completely in you. Nothing less than that. Nothing like the empty things I've been settling for. I long for more, my heart yearns for it.

I want to know You, because though You know me fully, I have MUCH to know about Your fullness, the depth to which Your grace extends, the power with which Your spirit moves... I want to know it ALL! 

This life will disappoint you time and time again
 if the quality of your results is what you put your trust in
and you can hold up that measuring stick next to what you do,
but no matter how hard you try, its never going to satisfy you.
You can bleed yourself dry making the sacrifices that you think need to,
 but the blood spilled out won't save you; for another has already claimed you.
So cut your neck free from those carts you pull,
and be pulled into the heart of a Love that is whole.
Abolish the slavery of striving for what is already yours,
of struggling for a prize that the cross already bore.
And the words "It is finished" means you are free,
it is to righteousness you are enslaved,
not a compensation to be paid
it is for freedom that you are free.

And fear falls away when His perfect love is present,
when you know that in His nose, your aroma is pleasant
and nothing can separate you from His love
not even you.

"burn away the pride
bring me to my weakness
'til everything i hide behind is gone
when i'm open wide
with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
cause honestly, i'm not that strong

i'm not alright
i'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through
it leads me to you"
-sanctus real

to the ones who need a Savior

I don't know where to go to say this. I don't know where it's okay to stand up and say "Hey. Today, I'm not okay. Today I have doubts that are too big for me to carry." I don't know where to go so that the hot tears falling down my face don't feel like weakness to me. I don't know where to go.

Except I do know. I know of this amazing place called the Presence of the Most High God. I know of a throne room where the Holy of Holies sits, clothed in rainbows of colors that my mind cannot even imagine. I know there is a fire that burns intensely around this throne, that the sounds of angels songs can be heard with rushing winds. And the glory of the King is seen in majestic light that penetrates so far that darkness cannot bear to be present.

But in my life, there is darkness.
In my life, there are expectations that I weigh myself down with. A bar set impossibly high. Things that I can't do. There is a fear of failure so deep that I don't even hear the words of encouragement anymore, only the words that I expect to hear: the words that say Jessica, you are not enough.

And you'd think, given the fact that my Savior uses people who are weak, that He calls the imperfect people and the outcasts and the losers and the broken and the failures... you would think that I could see the beauty in the fact that I could let myself be used... if only I could abandon myself to the cross.

But I'm clutching my weakness. I am clutching my failure so tight that I won't even let Jesus have it because I for some reason believe I am not even good enough to be covered by the blood of the lamb.
And it pains me to admit that, to press the keys and form the words that I, in some audacity, believe I can outwit the grace of God, that I can escape it, that I am too far gone to receive what was paid for with such a high price. It's shameful to admit, but my pride is so huge that I can't bear the words that I am not good enough another moment. My pride won't let it be about God... it makes it about me.

Today, I am not okay. Today, I have big doubts and they are too heavy for me to carry. Today, I would rather hide in a bathroom than let anyone see these tears. And today, even though I know exactly where I need to go, I find that I can't get there on my own. That no amount of striving, no amount of anything Jessica can do, no matter how hard I scrub my filthy hands, that I cannot be cleansed of these lies and these sins and this pride.

I need a Savior.
 I need strength in my weakness. I need to fall on my face in that throne room and confess that my present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in me, by the grace of my really big, unfathomably loving Daddy. By the blood of the lamb. I need to dwell in the TRUTH.

Today... if you aren't okay, if you are carrying doubts that you just can't drop, if you are ashamed to let your tears fall... you need a Savior too. And you are NOT alone. You are not alone, and your story doesn't end in this place. You are More than a Conqueror because you belong to the Victory Claimer.(Romans8) Your tears are wiped away by the very hand of God (Revelation7) The Lord restores your soul (Psalm23) You are redeemed, and He calls you His (Isaiah43)

It's okay to not be okay today. Just know you aren't defeated... you are on the winning side. I'm on the winning side. And we are loved with a love so deep and high and wide and full.. so satisfying. A love that has redeemed us and saved us... when we needed a Savior.

A fistful of ashes, You trade me for treasure
I say "But it's good!"
You respond "I have better"

and it's like
I can't even grasp Your love,
so You just keep pouring
and I am never
ever
left
empty-handed.

You already know this about me,
and you watch as the cycle repeats,
and repeats
and repeats
and You know it doesn't have to be this way.

It's not as if I can't pinpoint the problem,
I know the lies, or most of them
I know what needs to break
for freedom's sake.
Freedom that I already have, but that I've contained
with my own mind the padlock

condemning me to the very fate you died so I may conquer.

And so, with good intentions,
and my heart's desperate clutch for sincerity,
I pinpoint these lies,
the things that are void of You
and I vow to get rid of them.

Cold turkey. Uprooted. Gone.
So I may arrive at the destination before even embarking on the journey

But it's impossible,
because I'm not doing it through You who gives me strength,

I am doing it alone,
hoping gritted teeth and sweat will be enough to break the cycle,
hoping that if I take this burden on my shoulders and carry it far enough
I'll somehow be less disgraceful,
less disgusting
less ashamed

but my will is weak,
and my flesh roars for it's passions
and in seconds,
I've forsaken the almighty God, the Great I Am,
to fall into temptation's arms.
Sincerity is shattered on the floor around me,
and my heart bleeds for what it cannot achieve.

Expectations weigh like a thousand tons of water over me,
the ones I couldn't live up to,
self-imposed and suffocating.
I'm this far under and so far away,
my lungs fill with water instead of Your life giving breath
and the darkness appears
first in spots,
and then consumes.

And before I give in, my last fleeting thought is always
"where were You".

And then, Light
You rush in, You fill every pore
and grace is in my hands,
undeserved, and unearned,
a gift, given by my Daddy.
And I find joy in this, it makes my heart light
and my feet dance
and fills me with HOPE

ever elusive,
and so my fingers clamp down on it.
They twist it, and mangle it
and my touch changes hope, and imprints my own selfishness on it.
And suddenly I cease to chase Your dreams,
but pursue myself.

And the cycle repeats
and repeats
and repeats

But my heart knows this hope... that You are working on this with steady hands,
gently and patiently.
You lead me through the desert and whisper tenderly to me.
You restore my vineyards.
And I know I am in a process of  becoming re-defined by grace.
That this cycle will be broken once and for all,
and Your victory will sound like trumpets
and the crumbling of strongholds,
the sound of angels songs
and of a daughter's thankfulness.

In auburns, yellows, golds, and reds,
like these fall trees, its a time to shed.
and so, I'm letting all this fall away....

my reputation.

my control.

my need to understand.

my fears and doubts.

my world distorted take on what i am worth.

my pride.

my lust.

my inaction.

my failure, and my fear of it.


Its time for these roots to go deeper still,
to endure the winter storms
and see the new growth of spring
as the living waters of God seep down
and the wind comes like His breath,
giving life

where I was dead.

A friend turned 17 today. The posts on his wall were somewhere along the lines of "Yeah dude! You'll be legal next year! Yeaaaah buddy!"

I just thought that was sad.
So he turns 18, then what? What is the next milestone he lives for? What does he fill his life with as he seeks out something to fill the hole in his heart that just gets bigger with every temporal pleasure he tastes? When does  he become numb to the emptiness, or does he just keep seeking a new high?

And little does he know... he is loved by the Most High. That there is a God out there whose heart is breaking to see his desperate search and his world-blinded eyes. How he longs to pull the blindfold off, how he longs for him to know His love!

And then there is me... given the gift of grace, tasting the goodness of the Savior. How amazing is it that when I seek, I will find? That when I feel empty, that I will be filled to overflowing, because God has so much more for me than the world. And I sit here, having just stained my hands with my own sin, and I find myself perplexed. He dips my hands in blood and they come out clean. He fills me with a renewed purpose and tells me next time, I'll deliver the blow. And then He gives me strength.

What amazing love...
how I wish I was a better example of it to this friend,
and to a world crying out for it.

That's MY King!

Hear what the LORD says to you, people of Israel. This is what the LORD says:
   “Do not learn the ways of the nations
   or be terrified by signs in the heavens,
   though the nations are terrified by them.
 For the practices of the peoples are worthless;
   they cut a tree out of the forest,
   and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.
 They adorn it with silver and gold;
   they fasten it with hammer and nails
   so it will not totter.
 Like a scarecrow in a cucumber field,
   their idols cannot speak;
they must be carried
   because they cannot walk.
Do not fear them;
   they can do no harm
   nor can they do any good.”
  No one is like you, LORD;
   you are great,
   and your name is mighty in power.
 Who should not fear you,
   King of the nations?
   This is your due.
Among all the wise leaders of the nations
   and in all their kingdoms,
   there is no one like you.
  They are all senseless and foolish;
   they are taught by worthless wooden idols.
 Hammered silver is brought from Tarshish
   and gold from Uphaz.
What the craftsman and goldsmith have made
   is then dressed in blue and purple—
   all made by skilled workers.
 But the LORD is the true God;
   he is the living God, the eternal King.
When he is angry, the earth trembles;
   the nations cannot endure his wrath.
  “Tell them this: ‘These gods, who did not make the heavens and the earth, will perish from the earth and from under the heavens.’”
  But God made the earth by his power;
   he founded the world by his wisdom
   and stretched out the heavens by his understanding.
 When he thunders, the waters in the heavens roar;
   he makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth.
He sends lightning with the rain
   and brings out the wind from his storehouses.
  Everyone is senseless and without knowledge;
   every goldsmith is shamed by his idols.
The images he makes are a fraud;
   they have no breath in them.
 They are worthless, the objects of mockery;
   when their judgment comes, they will perish.
 He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these,
   for he is the Maker of all things,
including Israel, the people of his inheritance—
   the LORD Almighty is his name.

From an aisle into eternity...

The aisle stretches out before me, deep red rose petals scattered about like a Hansel and Gretel bread crumb trail to home. They lead to your feet, and it's so fitting, because I know I belong with you. As I pass under the door, my eyes forge the way, following the delicate petals to Your feet. As I lift my eyes, I see, at last, Your face. You are radiant, and I am overwhelmed by the look you are giving me, a look wrapped so intensely in love. It rages like fire behind your eyes, and even at the end of this aisle, I can still feel the warmth. It is a look meant for me, because when you saw something no one else did, you called me, impossibly, yours. It's almost too much to take, knowing how good you are, and knowing I don't even deserve to be wearing white. For a fleeting moment, fear spurs me to turn and run. But you extend your hand and beckon me, and my fears fall away. There will be no runaway bride tonight, and even if I could will myself to run, I know you'd chase me for all eternity. But here, in this moment, you call me to you. I cannot contain my joy in the reassurance you demonstrated with that simply physical gesture: the expression of your desire for me. You want me. Oh, my Love! My knees are weak, and I take a shaky step, willing my feet to run, to carry me to you quickly so I can be with you now. But there is something so tender about these purposeful steps I am taking as you hold your gaze steady with mine. I rest in these peaceful moments as I get closer to you, my past now insignificant and my white dress swishing around my feet. I am made beautiful with each step that brings me closer to being made one with you. My heart is full to bursting, and I cannot contain the smile that sits comfortably on my lips. With my eyes fixed on you, nothing else matters. Nothing in this aisle could keep me from you. Even the delighted whispers from among this crowd of those I love pales in comparison to the love I have in you. I step in time to music, finding even the music is not as sweet in my ears as the promises and the hope that have settled there from your lips. It seems I've walked this aisle for so long, but yet suddenly I have arrived at your side. You look gently in my eyes and speak the most beautiful vow of love, a love that is not just "death do us part", but eternal, and enduring. I give my vow to you, for better or worse, pledging my heart to the one that has given me breath, and endless gifts after. And suddenly, the veil is lifted, and you bend down to kiss your bride. In a holy and reverent way, you make us one, and I am made perfect by the purity in your kiss. I was just a girl wracked in sin, shackled and enslaven to the world... until you freed me. You cleansed me, pursued me, romanced me, and established your covenant with me forever. Oh Love, my heart is yours! I am yours forever, with eternity unfolding to share in your intimate, satisfying, wildly passionate and gentle-forehead-kissing love!

Chosen...
called up out of the dust,
while I was still dead,
that I may know life,
abundant life,
and the Giver of it.

That I may spend every breath
praising the Creator who formed me,
who made me a masterpiece
when I was still broken.

And even though I was bare in shame,
exposed and naked,
you clothed me,
with robes of righteousness
and garments of salvation.
You called me Yours.

Adorned in Your LOVE,
I cannot escape it
for it is relentless,
and it reaches farther than my deepest transgression.
Nothing I do is adequate,
nothing I can give is fit for a King,
and yet, you extend Your love,
undeserved,
and pour it onto me.
You make me radiant and beautiful.

You have plucked me out of death,
bore the cross
and scorned the wrath of what separated us.
You redeemed me
to place a crown of jewels on my head
where you wore thorns.

Your passion is unparalleled,
you are jealous for me,
with a jealousy that is unyielding as the grave.
I love you,
and I will proclaim my vow of love to you forever,
my Love, my Savior, my King.

I will become one with you,
journey into the places you have prepared for me,
rest in the goodness you lavish,
and yearn to learn you more.
I will dive into Your depths and be satisfied,
and yet never even penetrate the vastness of Your mystery.

I am a Bride,
made beautiful by the Love in the eyes of my Lover.
Washed clean and pure in the blood flowing out of His nail scarred hands,
and the side where He was pierced.
And I will walk that aisle,
His love song singing over me,
proclaiming His delight in me,
the song of the chosen and redeemed,
the loved and unclean,
made new.

I will stand firm on the eternal and enduring promises of my faithful, loving God. Though attacks be swift against me, my faith and joy pour out of my Victory Claimer, the One who suffered the cross in a love offering, that I may live free and unhampered by earthly pursuits. My present sufferings are incomparable to the richness of the love He lavishes upon me; unrivaled by the grace that supplies all I lack. I fight because I don't have to rely on my strength, or an uncertain outcome. I am more than a conqueror because the spear that pierced His side couldn't pierce his holy, majestic power. I walk in light, though through darkness and all its vicious footfalls. I have peace, for I know the King. I know my undeserved inheritance that He shed His blood that I may claim. And even as I go into battle, His banner over me is love.

a 'little' update!

Here is an itsy bitsy life update (which will not be small, because I am full of amazing things to share!)... so sit tight and get ready to raaaaaamble!

So, last week at church, my very passionate pastor was talking about the verse in Deuteronomy 1 that says "You have stayed long enough at this mountain!" He painted a picture of a journey, and how when the land is flat, the journey is easy. When we are driving straight, we tend to speed, and with the whole horizon in our view, we are enabled to see everything around us - even a storm that is miles away. "BUT", he said. "BUT, when the land before us is a mountain, everything about our journey changes. Mountains have a way of altering every aspect of how we travel. We adjust our speed. Our vision is limited, because we do not know what lies around the bend. We don't see a storm brewing on the horizon, we don't know its even coming until its right above our heads! Yes... mountains have a way of changing our journey. And not only that, mountains affect how we see ourselves. When you stand in front of a mountain, you put a cowboy hat on, and you lean back so far to see how big it is before you that it falls off. It's like your hat goes off to the mountain and you feel small." **I am paraphrasing what I remember, so these aren't his exact words, but this is all the message God spoke through him!  He then directed us to that verse, and raised the question "Have you stayed long enough at your mountain? Are you waiting for heaven to grant you permission to go forth into your mission?!" And I was just WOWed that God would speak to my heart so clearly. I have a struggle that is as big as a mountain and its altered my journey! But... I also have a God who is BIGGER than the mountain, and who journeys alongside me, and even carries me when I can't do it myself any longer! And the best part is... there is victory for this struggle. I've sampled it. It won't come about in any "me" way, but through God's strength that He so graciously lends. Soon and very soon, this mountain will be nothing but a beautiful reminder on the horizon line over my shoulder of what God has accomplished and overcome for me. That way, I can look back and see where God has been faithful, but "advance" further and deeper into his plans for me!

So, even though I wanted to claim this season of "enough", I have a notorious way of trying to take matters into my own hands and "help" God help me... the audacity of that, thinking my own ideas are greater or better for me than my Makers! I've been brought to my knees through this struggle, and that's been when amazing things have happened... but at the slightest taste of victory or strength, I do it on human strength again. God knows this about me though, and covers me with grace... so that whether I succeed or fail, he is brought glory. For f I am successful, it's merely because I have been an instrument in His will. And if I fail, His grace abounds!

Another thing God has been showing me is that absolutely nothing can do for me what God can. I can chase every temporal pleasure this world offers, but I will always be left empty and unsatisfied. God is not unfulfilling. He is more than enough for me! I cannot seek other things to give me what I can only get from God! And so, I choose to seek God :) and I know he will be faithful to this desire!

Annnnd finally, I had a week of just feeling stuck. I was desperate for surrender, but found myself clutching  tighter. I yearned for best, but settled for less. I struggled with work, I struggled with my worth, and I just felt that emptiness every day that I woke up.

But tonight, God spoke hope into my life! Around a campfire, I heard about God doing cool stuff in someone's life... which always gets you excited. And then, I saw the sun setting, and I ran away and found the most beautiful dual view - the setting sun, and the lightning! I spent some treasured moments with my Savior, and then rejoined my friends. A few of us went for a walk, and the storm the lightning had been preluding hit and drenched us in a matter of seconds... and it just got me thinking of God, and how his love and his mercy and his grace are so like the rain. We are sopping wet under the stuff that God gives to us! And it made my heart feel like dancing. And as I enjoyed the rain and the fellowship, I realized that when rain comes, farmers get their fields ready. And I began to think that I don't want my soil to be dry and cracked and unworked... I want to diligently prepare it for when the heavens open up and spill over so that I may receive all that God has, and been grown out of it into whatever beautiful thing God is making me!

I am falling in love with Jesus, and loving every second. Soon, I'll be off to Street Invaders, and it's another adventure that He is taking me on to stretch me and show me his love. MAN, is He good! :)

taste and see that the Lord is good...

Today is a day for coffee-cake.

Kaitlin - everytime I think about you, I just remember the way you gave of yourself. You gave your time, your heart, and your friendship. I can't even write a tribute worthy of you, because you don't fit into the confines of any words - you're beyond them, because you lived free of any confinement for Christ. You were never chained or bound by this world; you were just a light to it. Even before you were ever diagnosed, you were so confident of God's plans for you, and that always astounded me, because my faith is so flimsy in that aspect. I loved all the mornings I spent with you on the cliffs overlooking the lake, because I can't count the times that you spoke hope into my life. The kind of beauty that God loves, you possessed, and it radiated out of you. You were gentle and kind, and you made every single person you met feel welcomed into Jesus' presence because you carried it with you. You were so special. And every single aspect of your character, your faith, your selflessness, your love, your joy... those were not things that came out of your illness, but rather characteristics you already possessed in overflow that were just intensified under the circumstances you faced. You impacted more than a corner of the planet. Your willingness to be given up for God's will changed the world.... it changed me.

I love you KTB. I can't wait to dance in heaven with you. Today you won't be eating a coffeecake that molded and hardened on the floor of the base staff guys room... no, your celebration is much greater than that. :) And there is no better way to imagine a birthday than knowing you are where you are, with the One you lived and gave your entire life for.

Kaitlin once wrote me a note, on pink paper nonetheless, that said this:

"In heaven, it doesn't matter if you are a teacher, or lawyer, or any other jobs. As long as you live your life for God, and show joy."

...she's a testament to that each day in action, not in words. She was faithful to the 'job' God gave her, and her life was a testament of faith and joy.Thank you for your friendship, Kaitlin. <3

for the hot spots..

Someone shared this with me and everyone should read this!

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

 This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

I can fight for this because I know I have you. And I know in you the victory is already won but I tend to feel like I haven't begun when your work is so far from completion. My head knows that you have a purpose, but lately it's just felt so worthless because I have no answers for what that is right now.

And maybe that's the point.

This just feels like the breaking part. And that's okay, because I gave you my heart, and I know if you can get me past the start then and only then I might stand a chance. I long in you to be satisfied, to lay down my flesh and swallow my pride and just stop making these plans that are less than what you have. It's just so hard to let it go, to fall into your depths and in my heart know that I'll come out okay in the end. Surrender. Why is that word so intimidating when everything that you are breaking is taking me that much closer to your throne?

You will fulfill your purpose for me, I read that today and now I see that this desert is part of your perfect plan. I don't know all the hows and whys, but I know you've heard my heart-wrenched cries and in them, you are working something more marvelous than I could comprehend. And it doesn't mean I have to know the outcome, and I'm not even worthy enough to grasp what you are taking me through, I just pray you'd give me enough to get there. Not enough that I'd perceive it as my strength, but just enough to get through the day so I can attribute every step I've taken to your glory. Because that's what this is all about anyways, to through our lives give you praise for your all-encompassing love and unending grace.

You've seen every hope I hold, so Jesus, if I may be so bold, I ask that you'll maybe fulfill those too... And if my hope is set below what you would have, I pray you'd show me the way to relinquish it all to you. I just want to delight in you, to know that what you offer will satisfy me in ways I've never known.

A meadow grows, with long green grass, and hills rolling as far as the eye can see. Color intersperses amongst the green, a watercolor mix of reds, yellows, and purples. In my mind, nothing could be more lovely. As the sun shines down over the meadow, I dance, but am never fully satisfied. It is a good place, but something is missing.

And then you come along... you see my halfhearted movements and you call to me. You call me by name. I am terrified, for you seem to know me already and I'm not sure I know you. You are like a dream I remember dreaming, but never fully grasped until this moment, where I see you standing before me. You open your palm and extend it to me without saying a word, and I know you want me to come with you. My fear is gone because your eyes are so peaceful, and I feel safe with your hand in mine. And then you lead me.

As we walk hand in hand, I find we have left my lovely meadow, and where I once saw hills, there is only dry, parched land. I stumble over loose pebbles and become weary of the heat, and then I let go of your hand. You patiently wait as I struggle to get back to my feet, but find I cannot. And then I cry out to you, and you offer your hand. You lift me to my feet and wipe the tears from my dust-stained cheeks and the sweat from my soiled brow, and you tell me I am beautiful. I want to believe you, I want to love you. I just can't cling to the peace in your eyes anymore. I miss my meadow, and long for the comforting reverie of the clusters of brightly colored flowers, for the refreshing breeze to mingle with my hair. I yearn for the familiarity, because I know I loved it there. Fresh tears fall, and you catch every single one. You offer me your precious promises, and whisper grace over the places in my heart that don't desire you. And I know I could love you more than anything.

We journey long, and we journey hard. So many times I long to just give up, to stop walking and to just let the desert engulf me, but you spur me on. And one day, the desert scene changes. Where the land was parched and sun-scorched, there are streams, and the streams turn to rivers. The cracked dirt sprouts forth into grass, and trees and flowers dance lightly with the most refreshing of breezes. Every color is more vibrant than I have ever seen, and every detail more intricate than my mind has ever known. I am in love with you, and we dance as you whisper to me that you love me, that I am beautiful, and that I am yours. I rejoice at where you have taken me from, and what you have taken me through, because it has brought me into the most beautiful of places, into the most love I've ever felt, with you.

I want so much more than an emotion based relationship.
I don't want fluffy with you, because I know you have so much more. So much good. I just want to dive into your depths, to be refreshed by the simple act of meeting with you. And whats more, is I see you offering that to me.
I just get so caught up in the feeling of it all. Do I feel loved. Do I feel like I'm not alone. Do I feel sufficient enough to meet with you. Do I feel too tired today, because you should see me at my best.

I desire a real, raw, to the core relationship with you.
You are so full of mystery and of higher ways that I could never comprehend! There is no end to your depth, height, width, length... and I can spend my whole life exploring you. Learning you. Knowing you. Loving you! It's exciting. I have so much ground to cover I don't know where to start. And I see that you desire this too, this one-with-you journey. You have so much to give to me and pour into me and reveal to me. You're excited too! And you long for me to get past the shallow emotions. You cannot wait for me to experience you below the surface. You know I will never be satisfied with just a taste... I want the full meal! Every course. To sample every bit of your goodness, and also to endure the bitter tastes - by your side. RAW. DEEP. REAL.

Emotions shift so much. And relationships are far too often based on how those feelings fluctuate. But YOU! You are unchanging. You are the same as you were before time began, and You will be the same for eternity!  YOU are the constant I crave in my life. I don't want to waver with you. I don't want to only follow you when it feels good to. I want to share in your sufferings, knowing that it means I am dying to myself and truly knowing what it means to take up your cross. Hebrews 12:4 says "In your struggle with sin, you have not yet surrendered to the point of shedding your blood." Maybe I don't know what that looks like yet, but I know you have already claimed victory over the desires in my heart that are not of you. You are my constant through my whirling, up and down, crazy emotions. You are my constant when the lights go out and nothing can seem to penetrate the darkness. You are constant when fear and doubt overwhelm and YOU WILL OVERCOME! When my emotions rage on, I will put my trust in what is firm and unshaken and forever. I will put you in a place of steadfastness and go to you. I see you longing to hold that place, and man, do I want you there!

I see a journey ahead full of battles I am fighting and battles still to be fought. But yet, I am meeting you for the  first time as a Lover. I am meeting you for the first time as a Father. I am meeting you for the first time as a Guide. And I'm so excited to take this dive, this leap, this next step with you! I love you so much. I finally love you enough to say... just do your will. I'm so ready. Let's do this thing!!!

I was singing to my Jesus tonight... and as I drove my little car through the snow, He shared a little something with me... Sometimes, I ask Him why I don't have a really beautiful voice. In fact, I asked Him why, when worship makes His heart so happy, don't we all have seriously beautiful voices?

And then He reminded me how, no matter how one solitary voice sounds, no matter how off-key and pitchy we can all be, that when all of our so-so voices blend together, it sounds so beautiful! It doesn't even matter if we have beautiful or so-so voices, there is no sweeter sound to our Jesus than the sound of our hearts and voices mingled together in praise of Him!

Is it okay that I wander so aimlessly,
would you mind if I drift out to sea
and lose myself for a while

I don't know what I want to find,
or if I just want to be found by you

Because I've been holding so tight
to a rope thats tethered to nothing.
All along clutching this illusion of surrender,
but never really trusting

I'll let go and let these seas rise,
even when the waters spill over the sides
how long will it take
how much do i have to break
until i'm found

I think I'll lose myself in these waters,
I know you won't let me be swept away

You can paralyze me - but for only a moment.
You can fill me with fear and doubt, but it won't stick.
You can spend the rest of my life fighting to shackle me,
but don't you see?
You've already lost.

And I'll admit... there are times you bring me to my knees in despair.
But don't you see too,
that you are driving me to the one you are trying to keep me from?

So break me, please.
Leave me to bleed,
take this life, and leave it in pieces.
It will only give Him more reason to fill it,
to mend it,
to transform it.

To make it beautiful.

Do not be afraid.

This commandment is uttered in the bible somewhere around 365 times. When you think about it, that's A LOT of times. 365 repetitions means you could pick up the bible and flip to a different verse every day of the year, and you could still read,

"do not be afraid."

Sounds like such a simple statement hey?

The truth is? I live in fear. I am afraid. Fear has a way of crippling my progress. It hardens my heart against what God will do. It sends me running away from the One who desperately wants to give me a life without fear. And He wants that for you too.

But there's this question that I have to face before I can be transformed:

WHAT am I afraid of?

And I think the honest answer is, I am afraid to face myself. I am terrified to see my human nature exposed for what it is. I am terrified of people knowing how selfish I am, how every thought consciously revolves around myself.

I am afraid because I can't even begin to know how to lay myself down to ask God to come in and bulldoze my world desires to build into me his kingdom ones. I am scared that God has big plans, plans that I am not big enough for. I am terrified because I know once I hand my flesh desires, my selfish ways, my physical AND spiritual body to God, death will come. I am afraid of what will follow.

But I WANT to.

There is this God's Chisel Skit done by the Skit Guys that is phenomenal, and as I was watching this, one of the lines struck me.

The clay says to the potter, "But God, I let you down."
And He says back, "You were never holding me up."

I should be excited, I should be fearless and bold and willing and determined. I should be running to God, an armful of my desires held like dirty laundry and just be relieved to dump them at his feet, begging to let Him use me for something more.

And yet I walk to him, slowly and ashamed. I let go of half my pile, and then fling myself on top of it and sob and ask Him to let me keep it as I insanely try to pull dirty laundry over my head. Because I'm scared. Sin is my security blanket.

I want to live in fear of the Lord, not in fear of what man can do to me if I follow Him wholeheartedly. I want to live in fear of the Lord, and not in fear of the past that has chained me. I want to live in fear of the Lord, not in fear of where the Lord will take me, because HE is big enough for the plans He is creating for me!

I have never asked on this blog for this, but can you, whoever is reading this, pray for me? I want to crucify my flesh. I want to put to death the things in me that aren't lining up with God's heart. I want to break free of this fear, bursting forth from being enslaved by fear to being a slave for righteousness.

365 times you read "Do not fear. Do not be afraid". Way back when God was speaking through the ones who penned His word, he figured that was important enough to be repeated. Not once or twice. 365 times. Why? Because He already knew us. He already knew the fear we live in, and even the fear we foolishly chain ourselves to. He knew we would need to read it THAT many times for the message to sink in, and for it to dawn on us that we need to live without fear. But more than that, that God has OFFERED us a way out of fearful living. What usually comes after "Do not be afraid?"... things like "The Lord your God is with you wherever you go" or "I am with you and will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Truly, what am I afraid of??

dead faith vs. faith to die for.

Lifeless and dead. Those are two words I could define myself as. Without Christ, I am empty. Without Christ, my life is meaningless.

But the way I live my life comes into account here. Am I living in a dead faith, or has my faith caused me to face death to be brought into life? Meaningful life. Purposeful life. ETERNAL life.

I find so often that I take on the name of Jesus, but do not truly act upon it, nor do I claim its power. And as a beautiful friend of mine reminded me recently, 2 Timothy 1:7 says, God did NOT give us a spirit of timidity, but of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE! Why do I live my life so apart from these things that God has freely given? I seem to pick-and-choose my moments of acting in faith, weighing the cost and sacrifice to myself. It's kind of like a one foot in the world, one foot in the Word kind of life and that is detestable! That is lukewarm. I love how Paul puts it in Philippians 3:7-8... "But whatever was to my profit, I now consider LOSS for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."

Wow.

That is beyond what belief is. Belief is a mere mental acceptance of a claim as truth. No, Paul's statement is bold, all-out, FAITH talking. I was curious about what the definition of faith was, and the definition I found was a COMPLETE CONFIDENCE in a belief. Not just acceptance. Confidence!

I have been living in a spirit of timidity, but as I have been reading my bible I keep coming across people who really risked their comfort for the glory of God's kingdom to be established. Which brings me back to what has been on my heart lately. Am I living with dead faith, or faith I would die for?

In 'Don't Waste Your Life', John Piper writes: "On the far side of every risk - even if it results in death- the love of God triumphs. This is the faith that frees us to risk for the cause of God. It is not heroism, or lust for adventure, or courageous self-reliance, or efforts to earn God's favor. It is childlike faith in the triumph of God's love - that on the other side of all our risks, for the sake of righteousness, God will still be holding us. We will be eternally satisfied in Him. Nothing will have been wasted."

One thing that paints such a vivid image of risk to me is the Christians in Rome who were fed to the lions. Can you even fathom what it would be like to stand against a Colosseum of people cheering for your blood to be spilled? How is your faith now? As the lions are let loose, do you feel terror or peace?

Maybe it's different. Maybe you are your school. No crowds. Just one person. Except this person has a gun, and they ask you if you believe in God, and you know you will die for it. How is your faith now?

I don't know about anyone else, but most times it doesn't even take a lion or a gun to cause me to compromise, and to fail to claim what I know to be true. It's as simple as me overhearing a conversation between two people that don't know God, that laugh at how silly christians must be for believing in a God they can't see and a bible that 'isn't true', and me pretending not to have heard at all. Or maybe, maybe someone actually asks what I believe, and I bulk and act ashamed instead of confident.

There, I said it.

John Piper goes on to write, "If we starve, [Jesus] will be our everlasting, life-giving bread. If we are shamed with nakedness, he will be our perfect, all-righteous apparel. If we are tortured and made to scream in our dying pain, he will keep us from cursing his name and will restore our beaten body to everlasting beauty."

Christians are still dying for their faith today. And maybe that's not what my life will come down to. Perhaps I won't face physical torture for what I believe. Maybe I won't be stoned or thrown to the lions, or even jailed. Persecution can come in more discrete ways, and I believe these days it does.

I want to have what it takes to face guns and lions - sure DEATH, for my God. I want to have confidence and boldness to live my faith out, even if it simply means having no one to eat lunch with. Most of all, I crave a living, growing, deepening faith that will burn hotter as the fire of affliction comes against. That is my prayer, and not just for myself... I pray fervently that we would all rise out of the ashes of dead faith into a faith that we'll die for.

2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

To open up these hands,
to drop the things my fists were clenching
and leave them at your feet,
and then, with exposed palms
raised to receive all you have to offer
raised to give myself to you,
all of me,
that is what I long to do.

To put aside the empty things my flesh fights for,
to cast away the lies Satan roars in my ears,
to instead be listening to only your tender whispers of love,
and be walking in the victory you already claimed,
this is what I long to do.

To allow you to draw near at once
and work your plans into a willing heart,
instead of watching you faithfully take the walls in my heart down
brick by brick,
that is what I long to do.

In my human weakness, so often I fail
I fail to act on the things I long for.
But with your enduring patience,
and your ever-tender leading hand,
I will enjoy every second of this walk with you.
even the stumbles, and the falls,
knowing somehow you will turn this brokenness into beauty.

Head bent low, from the dust, I cry
tears spilling over from guilty eyes
The cross I deserve from my wicked ways
burdens my back, as my head hangs.

The consequence of my sinful flesh,
the crime to be paid, this degrading death
And every desire I had every chased
is exposed to the world,
in naked disgrace.

And every time the hammer swings,
it may as well been my hand that brings
my condemnation, for I craved
to indulge the flesh with my sinful ways.

Breath comes in rasps, and oh! the pain,
the ground below is crimson stained,
with my last breath, I call for Him
surrender mingled desperation.

And heaven's skies are opened up,
to crimson tears, as down they drop
they cover me, my sins erased
love and sorrow, saving grace.

Purified with another's blood,
expression of amazing love,
for when he died upon that tree,
he took the penalty meant for me.

This time, instead of asking God, "Why did you take it away from me?" I can truly say "Thanks, God, for giving me the opportunity to have had it at all."

He truly does give and take away, but his blessings are measureless, and he will make good of every sorrow and trial. 

Pure. (adj)  Having no faults; sinless
                   Free of dirt, defilement, or pollution

I take up the position of the defeated, for that is what I have become. Face-down in the murky mire, I allow the mud to seep into every pore, a physical manifestation of the shame inside. I make no move to rise - I know what I am. The black, tarry mud is every bit of what I deserve.

You walk purposefully towards the mire where I lay dejected. Without hesitating, you wade in and reach to me. You whisper "My beloved, you are pure."

Bubbles form around my mud-caked lips as I laugh into the mud. Pure does not describe where I've been, what I've done, or who I am.

You touch me, and my laugh becomes hollow in my throat. Through the mud clinging to my eyelashes, I see you staring into my soul. Limitless love, looking into me. Has anyone ever seen that far before?

You reach one strong arm around my shoulders, the other under my knees, and you lift me out of the mud.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I love you." You say,

You set me down besides a stream, and diligently go about washing me. Tender, sweet strokes cause the mud to  fall away, layer by grimy layer. It takes time, but eventually, I look pristine on the outside.

"My beloved, you are pure." You whisper.

My insides knot up frantically. Though you have washed the mud on the outside away, the muddied shame on my insides remains. Surely, there is nothing you can do to wash that kind of dirt away.

Just as these thoughts dance through my mind, you takes even strides towards me. You sit directly across from me and take my hands in yours. You look me square in the eye, and with all the loving authority of a father, you say, "I know that you were angry with me. I know you felt I let you down. I know the loneliness that ached inside of you those nights. Child, be free."

"I know you sought a different kind of love. I know you gave your first kiss away in vain, and I know all the empty ones that followed. I can count every night that you spent desperately ashamed. Child, be free."

"I know that you cherish things above me. I know you are easily drawn away from me. I know that you long to remain in me, but never live up to your own expectations. Child, be free."

"I know that you ran from me. I know that some days, it hurts so badly you feel like running away again. Child, be free. I promise you my freedom, and my love. I don't promise it won't hurt, but I promise I will make it good."

As tears stream down my face unabashedly, I whisper "Why?"

"Because I love you." Your simple reply. "My beloved, you are pure."

I am choked with the emotion. The power weighing on those words. Free of dirt, and of a filthy past. Free of shame and the pollution of loving the things of the world. Pure as snow.

And as the truth sets in, I dance. There is joy in my heart, for I know freedom and peace, and I know the Giver of these things. And you smile and laugh and share in my lightheartedness. And as I spin, you catch me, and I know I am falling in love.

When I can catch my breath no longer, you ask me to marry you. And I know I am your beloved, and you are mine. I know I am pure. I know I am loved. But I ask anyways, just to hear you say it,

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

love-carved hands

I long to truly know what freedom is,
to breathe it through my nose and feel alive.
To wrestle with this darkness I've been buried in,
and come out on the other side.

But so many times I wander,
and many more I fall
So many times my gaze falls from the One above it all

So won't you guide me forward,
with those rough carpenter hands,
the same ones that painted sunsets
that will lead me into plans
to prosper and to bring me hope
when I can't do this on my own,
I'm reaching, to take Your gentle hands.

I long to know surrender,
to fall upon my knees and bow low to you
To overcome the weariness of this living in
a world that doesn't know you

And who I am to say I'm any better,
But with your love, I know I'll someday get there

I need you to guide me forward,
with those rough carpenter hands,
the same ones that formed the mountains
that will lead me into plans
to prosper and to bring me hope
when I can't do this on my own
I see you reaching with gentle hands.

And Lord, I long to know you
by the touch of your hands,
the hands that drove out demons
and wiped the tears of sinful man

The hands that hold the whole world,
are holding me
So won't you show me.

I need you to guide me forward,
with those love-carved hands.
Step into forever with you,
into your plans.

I want to share something I have been learning lately. A hard learned lesson, no doubt about it. But before I tell you that, you have to check this out first (they are completely relevant to what God has been overcoming in my heart lately...so do it!) :

And this:

Conversation with Jesus

Who are you? And how do you know my name?

How can you say you know me when we've never met? No one knows me, or at least, not most of me. Although... that's probably for the best. What would you do if you did know me? Run probably. You might even turn up your nose at me, and trust me, you wouldn't be the first. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. If you truly knew me, you'd realize that I wasn't worth knowing and walk away, just like everyone else before you. So go ahead, get on your way. I won't trouble you any longer.

What? What was that? You love me?

Okay wise guy, did you just hear what I said? You don't even know me. You can't love me. And even if you did know me, you certainly wouldn't find anything lovable.

Whoa whoa, hey now. Back the truck up. You really expect me to believe you would die for me? 

I told you, you don't know me. You wouldn't do that. 

What? You're saying you already did? 

That can't be right... you must be lying.

No? Well then... prove it!

Faith? What has faith got to do with it? 

Look, I don't know why you are so convinced you "love" me, let alone think you care enough to "die" on my behalf... but hey, if we go our separate ways, we can pretend this whole thing never happened. I'm willing to forget this conversation if you are.

Pssh, too scared to accept your unconditional love? Darn right I am! Why should I believe someone who claims to love me? Do you know how many people have said that to me and then BAM, I'm left in the cold the very next day! No sir, if I accept your so-called "love", it'll just be a heartbreak timebomb ticking down until you too decide you don't want me.

...You're different you say? Different how?

So, let me get this straight. If I hurt you, you're not going to hold it against me. You're just going to up and forgive me?

...And if I run away, you're just going to wait as long as it takes, even if it means months OR years, and you're just going to take me back without judgment?

Sounds too good to be true. How do I know you are for real?

Your hands? Why should I feel your hands?

Trust you! Just a minute ago I didn't even know who you were. But fine... give me your hands... I don't see what the big deal is. 

Wait, where did these holes come from? 

Nails?! What on earth were nails doing in your hands?

Oh.

(pause.)

.....You really meant it, didn't you? All of it?

You know me.

You love me.

You died for me.

You died for me, because you know me, and love me.

Wow.

You know, I know you know all this about me... but, well, I guess I don't know that much about you. But.... I'd like to. Can we walk together?



I wrote that monologue a while ago, because I feel like in my life, I have this repetitive cycle with God. See, I finally get to a point where I can grasp with my human mind that He loves me, and He knows me, and He is okay with where I am at as long as I'm striving for Him. But then something happens, and I stop striving, and I fall into the mindset of not being good enough for God. Not being worthy enough.

I already am not worthy. I will always be unworthy. But I literally allow myself to struggled and be bogged down with my unworthiness until He finally breaks through the wall I have built out my pride and my shame and my constant need for control of my own life and shows me... I am not sufficient, but His love and grace are sufficient for me. It's these moments that I see that He doesn't need me, it is I who need Him. 

And who I am to turn God's gift of grace down? How could I stand in the presence of the One who gave it all for me, and give nothing to Him? It's so incredible to me, how much He loves. Just how much He gives.

I am learning. I know I have hurt people when I hit my "not good enough" mindset, because I don't humble myself, and instead I cast people out because I don't feel worthy enough. I hurt people because I lash out with my own frustrations in order that I may hide my own shame. Satan relishes trapping me in that place.

But God has burst through, for the Light always overcomes the darkness. 

haiti, one year later.

It took a 7.0 earthquake 35 seconds to ravage Haiti, to tumble homes and shatter bones, to devastate families and claim lives. It has taken an entire year to put a small dent in healing even a fraction of the devastation that the earthquake left behind.

My thoughts today were far away, in a breathtaking country filled with beautiful people. Still, through all the earthquake took, it could not rob Haiti of its beauty, its resilience... of its faith. The land still sprawls out in vibrant greens contrasting the brokenness of the rubble. The buildings left standing still hold the same charm that they did before. The people's beautiful faces, whether stained with tears or graced with smiles, still are captivating in their beauty. Yes, Haiti is a broken nation, but it is beautiful even still.

In the weeks leading up to the earthquake, I became filled with despair. I focused entirely too much on 'earthquake' and forgot to focus on the GOD within it! With so much news of the agony, sometimes you hear little of the miracles. It was so much easier to be there and be witness to the miracles firsthand that I didn't know how to sit back and spectate as God worked faithful and marvelous plans in Haiti, and in my own life. On one part, I felt like giving up the agony would seperate me entirely and cause me to forget. But then today came.

I didn't know how I would feel today. I do know that I didn't hear a single word my bio or nursing instructor said. I do know that I counted down the seconds until 2:53 pm, which is the time that the earthquake happened Alberta time. And I do know when the moment came, remembering wasn't difficult at all. I remembered the things I saw, and heard, and the feelings I felt, all the things that I had thought had faded away. I remembered insignificant little details about the things I thought during and after the quake, how surreal it all felt.

But I remembered with joy, because I remembered most of all my God, the One who is the same yesterday, today and forever, the same God was with us on January 12. The earth shook, but He didn't. He was our Rock and Firm Foundation, our SOLID GROUND!
As I remembered today, I remembered the little girl who held me all that night. I recalled the taste of the crackers that became our supper, the feel of the kids climbing on my legs, and the chill of the night air. I remembered the hardness of the driveway. And I remembered the singing. The voices that came from women, visibly scared, fearing the worst about their families and homes, that were raised in praise. The purest praise I have ever heard. The most beautiful sound. The one moment in Haiti where language was not a barrier, because I knew who they were singing for.

That day changed my life. The faith of the Haitians changed my life. The kids changed my life.

And through the tragedy, 140 children went to Forever Families across the globe. Through the tragedy, I walked into a room of anxious parents and witnessed the most beautiful thing of all.

It's been a year, and a hard year at that. But it's been a year of Faith, and God's enduring faithfulness. So remember Haiti, and most of all remember that when life went on for you and me... God never forgot Haiti!

Sometimes, it is impossible not to be still and know that You are God. You have this incomprehensible ability to move things in a powerful way, and so often I cease to take notice. So often the opportunity to embrace the stillness passes long before I have allowed You to quiet me with Your love. But in the moments that I stop, and be still, I know. How could I not know that you are God? You have captivated me and I am awestruck at the sheer power of Your hands.

There is a delicate beauty in the way You direct each snowflake to lightly and gracefully fall through the air, and yet a terrifying beauty about it when the wind manipulates it's movements. And yet, even that is not out of Your control. I feel small when the winds tear across the prairies and shake the deep-rooted trees as easily as if they were a stalk of wheat. And yet, even that is not out of Your control. When even the very ground convulsed and moved beneath my feet, even that was not out of Your control. You are full of power and might, and it fills me with the wonder of Your glory! I find myself afraid of it, but amazed.

Of all the things in creation that You move, You remain unshaken. You are unmoved. You alone are my rock and I will put my trust in You. Though winds may tear through my life, I will strive to have roots so deep that my faith is unshaken, because my faith is rooted in an unshaken God!

These are the times I know to be listening for Your whisper, because it always comes after the fire, the earthquake, the wind... the storm.

God? I'm listening...

the journey

Lately, I've been spending time learning from myself, reminding myself of the things that 2010 taught me. I have scoured my journals and even blog posts, and it's been full of gentle reminders that bring me peace of where I am at. I want to share something I wrote last year that really served as a reminder to me today:

"The other day, I was driving home from Lethbridge through some serious fog. It was night, and I could barely see 10 meters in front of me. I did not know when the road curved or dipped, nor if I was even close to the lights of the place I called home.

As I drove, hunched white knuckled over the steering wheel, I began to think... isn't faith so much like driving through fog? At times, there is such a haze around us that we can't see where we are going, and we have to follow blindly. Even though we don't know we are getting any closer, even though we don't feel like we are gaining any ground, we just have to trust that the road we are on is taking us home. That God is still there in the darkness.

And then, maybe sometimes you can't follow blindly, maybe sometimes you need a reason, a something to follow. As I drove along the dark, foggy roads, at the times I was most afraid, I would be passed by one vehicle. Not ten, not five, not two, just one. And then I would follow the car as it curved with the road, much more at ease because someone had drove the road before me. And isn't that what Jesus does for us? When we are fearful and afraid, when we have abandoned hope and lost faith, He is there, in front of us, headlights lighting the way, assuring us that we WILL make it home... that He will lead us there."

For me, moving out this year has been an eye-opener. I love it. What a beautiful stage of life, to be able to share your life with another woman, to struggle together, to encourage each other, to delight in the Lord with each other... Lethbridge has truly become 'home'.

But when I think about it, even this is temporary. I have seen that firsthand, how temporary a home can be, as I saw them crumble down in Haiti. And even this apartment will eventually not be the place I lay my head at night. Time will pass and another season of life will beckon, and I will look back and find that home is somewhere else.

EXCEPT that I don't really belong to this place! Jesus has blessed me with a place to live and surrounded me with people who love me and that I love, but this is not my home. My home is with Him, in a place where once I enter into, I will never ever want to leave. And so, in this foggy season of my life where I wonder whether I am getting any closer, I know that, led by my Father and God, that I am getting closer to home. I will strive to journey with Him and be one with Him, until that day where my earthly home fades and His glory is made known in the place that He has prepared for me.

The other thing that struck me was how complacent and faithless I have become. I read my journal that I kept while in Haiti, and in the midst of the crisis around me, I penned "God is faithful, He provides." 26 times. How then, have I forgotten? Did their agony blind me to His faithfulness? This year I will be glad in knowing that we are in that hands of a God with purpose, that His plans are good, and His love is more enduring and filling than anything I could ever imagine. His ways are truly higher.

Just a closer walk with thee!!!