a 'little' update!

Here is an itsy bitsy life update (which will not be small, because I am full of amazing things to share!)... so sit tight and get ready to raaaaaamble!

So, last week at church, my very passionate pastor was talking about the verse in Deuteronomy 1 that says "You have stayed long enough at this mountain!" He painted a picture of a journey, and how when the land is flat, the journey is easy. When we are driving straight, we tend to speed, and with the whole horizon in our view, we are enabled to see everything around us - even a storm that is miles away. "BUT", he said. "BUT, when the land before us is a mountain, everything about our journey changes. Mountains have a way of altering every aspect of how we travel. We adjust our speed. Our vision is limited, because we do not know what lies around the bend. We don't see a storm brewing on the horizon, we don't know its even coming until its right above our heads! Yes... mountains have a way of changing our journey. And not only that, mountains affect how we see ourselves. When you stand in front of a mountain, you put a cowboy hat on, and you lean back so far to see how big it is before you that it falls off. It's like your hat goes off to the mountain and you feel small." **I am paraphrasing what I remember, so these aren't his exact words, but this is all the message God spoke through him!  He then directed us to that verse, and raised the question "Have you stayed long enough at your mountain? Are you waiting for heaven to grant you permission to go forth into your mission?!" And I was just WOWed that God would speak to my heart so clearly. I have a struggle that is as big as a mountain and its altered my journey! But... I also have a God who is BIGGER than the mountain, and who journeys alongside me, and even carries me when I can't do it myself any longer! And the best part is... there is victory for this struggle. I've sampled it. It won't come about in any "me" way, but through God's strength that He so graciously lends. Soon and very soon, this mountain will be nothing but a beautiful reminder on the horizon line over my shoulder of what God has accomplished and overcome for me. That way, I can look back and see where God has been faithful, but "advance" further and deeper into his plans for me!

So, even though I wanted to claim this season of "enough", I have a notorious way of trying to take matters into my own hands and "help" God help me... the audacity of that, thinking my own ideas are greater or better for me than my Makers! I've been brought to my knees through this struggle, and that's been when amazing things have happened... but at the slightest taste of victory or strength, I do it on human strength again. God knows this about me though, and covers me with grace... so that whether I succeed or fail, he is brought glory. For f I am successful, it's merely because I have been an instrument in His will. And if I fail, His grace abounds!

Another thing God has been showing me is that absolutely nothing can do for me what God can. I can chase every temporal pleasure this world offers, but I will always be left empty and unsatisfied. God is not unfulfilling. He is more than enough for me! I cannot seek other things to give me what I can only get from God! And so, I choose to seek God :) and I know he will be faithful to this desire!

Annnnd finally, I had a week of just feeling stuck. I was desperate for surrender, but found myself clutching  tighter. I yearned for best, but settled for less. I struggled with work, I struggled with my worth, and I just felt that emptiness every day that I woke up.

But tonight, God spoke hope into my life! Around a campfire, I heard about God doing cool stuff in someone's life... which always gets you excited. And then, I saw the sun setting, and I ran away and found the most beautiful dual view - the setting sun, and the lightning! I spent some treasured moments with my Savior, and then rejoined my friends. A few of us went for a walk, and the storm the lightning had been preluding hit and drenched us in a matter of seconds... and it just got me thinking of God, and how his love and his mercy and his grace are so like the rain. We are sopping wet under the stuff that God gives to us! And it made my heart feel like dancing. And as I enjoyed the rain and the fellowship, I realized that when rain comes, farmers get their fields ready. And I began to think that I don't want my soil to be dry and cracked and unworked... I want to diligently prepare it for when the heavens open up and spill over so that I may receive all that God has, and been grown out of it into whatever beautiful thing God is making me!

I am falling in love with Jesus, and loving every second. Soon, I'll be off to Street Invaders, and it's another adventure that He is taking me on to stretch me and show me his love. MAN, is He good! :)

taste and see that the Lord is good...

Today is a day for coffee-cake.

Kaitlin - everytime I think about you, I just remember the way you gave of yourself. You gave your time, your heart, and your friendship. I can't even write a tribute worthy of you, because you don't fit into the confines of any words - you're beyond them, because you lived free of any confinement for Christ. You were never chained or bound by this world; you were just a light to it. Even before you were ever diagnosed, you were so confident of God's plans for you, and that always astounded me, because my faith is so flimsy in that aspect. I loved all the mornings I spent with you on the cliffs overlooking the lake, because I can't count the times that you spoke hope into my life. The kind of beauty that God loves, you possessed, and it radiated out of you. You were gentle and kind, and you made every single person you met feel welcomed into Jesus' presence because you carried it with you. You were so special. And every single aspect of your character, your faith, your selflessness, your love, your joy... those were not things that came out of your illness, but rather characteristics you already possessed in overflow that were just intensified under the circumstances you faced. You impacted more than a corner of the planet. Your willingness to be given up for God's will changed the world.... it changed me.

I love you KTB. I can't wait to dance in heaven with you. Today you won't be eating a coffeecake that molded and hardened on the floor of the base staff guys room... no, your celebration is much greater than that. :) And there is no better way to imagine a birthday than knowing you are where you are, with the One you lived and gave your entire life for.

Kaitlin once wrote me a note, on pink paper nonetheless, that said this:

"In heaven, it doesn't matter if you are a teacher, or lawyer, or any other jobs. As long as you live your life for God, and show joy."

...she's a testament to that each day in action, not in words. She was faithful to the 'job' God gave her, and her life was a testament of faith and joy.Thank you for your friendship, Kaitlin. <3