Once, I thought forgiveness was easy. In my head, forgiveness was a fairly logical thing to do. See, forgiveness is a stumper, a Wait- what just happened?
I don't think forgiveness is easy anymore. In fact, forgiveness is about the most illogical reaction to being wronged that comes to mind at all. Revenge? Logical. Justice? Fair. But forgiveness? Letting go of that anger and that hurt, pardoning whoever did you wrong and letting them continue on their hurtful way without consequence? That seems to border on insanity.
I always thought I had the forgiveness thing fairly downpat, though some people may venture to call me a doormat. When someone hurt me, I was quick to shove the dirt under the rug and act like nothing had happened. But that wasn't forgiveness.
There came a time when I was hurt by people, and I was hurt bad. This time, I didn't shove it under the rug and pretend everything was okay. This time, I hurt so badly I let it pour back out, lacing words with venom and contempt. That was definitely not forgiveness.
Upon that realization, I reverted to my old approach. I tried to push the hurt down and act like I was fine, and that things weren't different. But I wasn't, and they were, and I found that hurt I'd shoved down hurtling out of me at an alarming pace, bitterness spilling out of me when I least expected it. That was not forgiveness.
In my head, forgiveness was easy. It was logical. You said the words, and everything was okay again. You tell yourself that it doesn't bother you, and you go on your way. But head-forgiveness isn't true forgiveness. Saying the words because you don't want to be hurt anymore won't take that hurt away.
It took months for me to discover true forgiveness, forgiveness at it's rawest and purest form. Forgiveness that meant going back to the place you were hurt the most, and facing the pain. Letting go of the pain. This forgiveness, this illogical, insane pardoning- it was forgiveness of the heart.
Forgiveness of the heart is illogical. It's ridiculously hard to seperate the action from the feeling, and on your own strength, the effort is too much. But we're not made to forgive on our own strength. We have an Ultimate Forgiver, who paid the most illogical, insane price of all, and gave us pardon as a gift of love.
That's what the key to forgiveness of the heart is- sacrifice. Taking your bent up pride, setting it aside, and letting go. Not because it is the logical thing to do, but because it's so illogical that it creates that ...Wait- what just happened? moment. It's so illogical that it can only be given as an outlet of the One who forgave us first, who loved us most.
The hurt from only a few people ravaged my heart for a long time, and I'm still healing. Hurt from a few people.
Father God... we hurt You every single day. Billions of us. Turning away. Running the opposite direction. Spitting on the cross You sent Your son to hang from for us. And we say we can't forgive? How I wish I could fathom Your compassion for a people you could have destroyed time and time again, a people you could force to love You in Your power. And yet, instead, You wait with open arms for us to make that choice, to run full tilt into Your mercy-filled arms and be washed clean of our inequities, the very things that we've done to hurt You. I can't fathom love like You. But as You have forgiven me, work Your heart into mine, so that I may forgive others the way You forgave me; so that they can scratch their heads as the cycle breaks and attempt to understand Your forgiveness, love, and character... so that by my meager pardon, they may realize the greatest pardon of all in Your eyes...
I'm astounded by You, once again. I love You.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
a rant against consumerism
Everytime I step into a mall, I want to cry. Today, I came very close. I just don't get it. Thousands of people, walking into stores, and coming out like they've found exactly what they've been looking for.
Newsflash... that eighty dollar hoodie is not going to sort out your problems. Those brand-name shoes may look cool, but they're just shoes, and they won't make walking through life any easier. That t-shirt you bought does not have the meaning of life written across the front in big bold letters.
The truth is, all I see in the eyes of people in the mall is hunger - a greed to be filled by consuming. And sure, nice new clothes will make you feel good for a while, but you'll always wind up wanting more, because they don't last. They can't satisfy you.
What I would really like to know is, when did we trade being grateful for having clothes on our backs to only being satisfied if the right name was on the front? When did a t-shirt turn into an identity, that if we wear the right one, we must have worth? Have we so quickly forgotten who values us most??
What I see most in the eyes of people in malls is unhappiness. Discontent.
I hate walking down malls, because I think of how much our money could be better spent. Do we really need what we're buying, or could we be using that money on people, people who don't go to malls. I honestly think back to the streets in Haiti, the meager markets, and I think of what these people would say if they saw how much we consume. In third world countries, markets are where people make a living, how they find a way to support their family. Here, we have taken that and mass produced it into a materialistic form of capitalism on steroids, where corporations with millions seek to make more millions.
The craziest thing is, when I went to Haiti, those people had joy in their eyes. Joy without the expensive hoodies and the brand name shoes. Joy in each other. Joy in God. Joy in life...
and you know what? I truly believe we're the poor ones.
Newsflash... that eighty dollar hoodie is not going to sort out your problems. Those brand-name shoes may look cool, but they're just shoes, and they won't make walking through life any easier. That t-shirt you bought does not have the meaning of life written across the front in big bold letters.
The truth is, all I see in the eyes of people in the mall is hunger - a greed to be filled by consuming. And sure, nice new clothes will make you feel good for a while, but you'll always wind up wanting more, because they don't last. They can't satisfy you.
What I would really like to know is, when did we trade being grateful for having clothes on our backs to only being satisfied if the right name was on the front? When did a t-shirt turn into an identity, that if we wear the right one, we must have worth? Have we so quickly forgotten who values us most??
What I see most in the eyes of people in malls is unhappiness. Discontent.
I hate walking down malls, because I think of how much our money could be better spent. Do we really need what we're buying, or could we be using that money on people, people who don't go to malls. I honestly think back to the streets in Haiti, the meager markets, and I think of what these people would say if they saw how much we consume. In third world countries, markets are where people make a living, how they find a way to support their family. Here, we have taken that and mass produced it into a materialistic form of capitalism on steroids, where corporations with millions seek to make more millions.
The craziest thing is, when I went to Haiti, those people had joy in their eyes. Joy without the expensive hoodies and the brand name shoes. Joy in each other. Joy in God. Joy in life...
and you know what? I truly believe we're the poor ones.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
even so, it is well with my soul
I have a confession.
I am wrapped up in myself. I am selfish. I go on facebook more than I read my Bible. I talk to my friends more than I talk to God. I worry about paying for college more than I worry about where my next meal will come from.
But my heart is breaking, because I feel this anguish for what is going on in this world. So many tragedies that go unreported and unnoticed, places where hate festers and tensions tear nation apart. There are places where countless children die of AIDS, and because they don't have clean water, or food to eat. There are places where woman are sold to the highest bidder. There are places where genocides run rampant and people live in fear, where woman and children are raped and men are murdered. There are places where natural disasters strike and leave insurmountable pain and destruction in their wake. There are places where Christians are persecuted severely for the very thing I take for granted.
So I ask myself this... how can I not be moved by this? How can I watch these very people struggle and yet praise God while I, in my comfort, praise Him when it's convenient for my schedule? How can I sit here, knowing those people, those lives, those beating hearts matter, and be silent???
God... we are a world that has fallen so far from what You intended, and I cannot even fathom how much it breaks Your heart when people you have placed in opportunity do nothing when the people You love are hurting. I'm just me, I'm so unremarkable, but I want to be an instrument of change in Your name, because You are Remarkable. I pray for every broken heart in this world, every circumstance that is out of our hands. I pray that Your children could know Your goodness and Your comfort and Your love for them. I pray for every capable heart, that You would equip it with Your love, use the broken to lead the broken to Your cross and Your grace. God I don't get this world, it doesn't seem fair to me. But the people I see afflicted and in these circumstances, they have joy in Your name. They rely on you with a fierceness. I want to pursue You with that fierceness. I want to love people intentionally. Even though this world is messed up, You are a Healer and Fixer and You will whole everything that is broken. I love you.
Monday, August 23, 2010
to the extent of human loneliness
Are you feeling alone tonight,
knowing no one will wipe your tears,
a drink in your hand,
no one asks to understand
yeah, I'll drink to that
They wrap the world in a paper-man chain
so where is your hand to hold
Oh, these paper thin grasps,
how can they last
surrounded on all sides, but so alone
Are you feeling alone tonight,
crying to an audience of stars
they silently listen
as suspended there they glisten,
like the tears that are falling to the floor
Because they wrap the world in a paper-man chain,
oh, where is your hand to hold?
Those paperthin grasps,
do they even last,
surrounded on all sides, but so alone.
I'm on my knees tonight,
because tonight I feel so alone,
praying for You
to come and pull me through
because I know you hear this lonely song
They wrap the world in a paper-man chain,
but You wrap me in unfailing love,
Grasped in Your grace,
consumed by Your gaze,
and the peace of You making Yourself known,
I'm not alone
They wrap the world in a paper-man chain
but human hands are too flimsy to hold...
so I'm holding You
I'll be holding You
knowing no one will wipe your tears,
a drink in your hand,
no one asks to understand
yeah, I'll drink to that
They wrap the world in a paper-man chain
so where is your hand to hold
Oh, these paper thin grasps,
how can they last
surrounded on all sides, but so alone
Are you feeling alone tonight,
crying to an audience of stars
they silently listen
as suspended there they glisten,
like the tears that are falling to the floor
Because they wrap the world in a paper-man chain,
oh, where is your hand to hold?
Those paperthin grasps,
do they even last,
surrounded on all sides, but so alone.
I'm on my knees tonight,
because tonight I feel so alone,
praying for You
to come and pull me through
because I know you hear this lonely song
They wrap the world in a paper-man chain,
but You wrap me in unfailing love,
Grasped in Your grace,
consumed by Your gaze,
and the peace of You making Yourself known,
I'm not alone
They wrap the world in a paper-man chain
but human hands are too flimsy to hold...
so I'm holding You
I'll be holding You
Saturday, August 21, 2010
7 months, 11 days.
"Risk being uncomfortable. Leave the borders of America, placing yourself in uncomfortable, difficult circumstances. Go to places that disturb you, that upset your idea of the American dream, so that you can dream Kingdom-of-God dreams. Don't settle for complacent ordinariness. Dare to let God blow up your comfortable box. Dare to go to places where only Jesus can pull you through. Risk resting in the sovereignty of God. And above all, strive to worship God wherever He leads you!" -Anonymous
I will never regret taking that step.
letter to a lifechanger.
To a special lady.
I never had a conversation with you because I didn't speak your language. In fact, we shared very little interaction at all. To you, I was just another face, just another set of arms to hold some children for a few weeks. But to me, you were a life-changer. To those children, you were a famaliar face. To them, you were the most comforting set of arms they knew. And to me, you were one of the most remarkable women I have ever seen.
You were love. You were gentle hands that wiped tears and held tiny bodies. You took on the role of mother to countless precious faces when they needed one most. You changed diapers and wiped noses and braided hair, and every touch was filled with love. You were beside them to celebrate their growth, cry for them as they struggled, and give them a reason to fight to hold on. You are love.
You were strength. That day, when you lost more than I can ever fathom losing, you mourned. You cried, you screamed, you felt your pain. But twenty minutes later, I saw you in the nursery changing a diaper. You are strength.
You were faith. You drew my eye that night on the driveway, when I could tear my eyes away from the precious ones in my lap. You were singing, along with the other incredible women, praising God. Worshipping amidst the chaos and fear and uncertainty and loss. "It is well with my soul! How great Thou art!" I didn't know all the songs, I didn't always know the words you were singing, but it brought peace to hear your voice. You had every reason to wonder and cry, and yet you sang. You showed me what a true woman of God looks like. You are faith.
Watching you amazed me. God in you amazed me. You were an example of the kind of woman I want to be, and you never had to say a word. I wonder what it would have been like, had I been able to have a conversation with you, and what wisdom you could have given me, but your actions alone were testament to your special heart. In any case, I thought about you again today, and I wish I could tell you how beautiful of a woman you are, and the impact your life has been on people; the impact it has been on me. You're nothing short of amazing, and I just wish I could tell you that in your language. Maybe someday!
From, me.
I never had a conversation with you because I didn't speak your language. In fact, we shared very little interaction at all. To you, I was just another face, just another set of arms to hold some children for a few weeks. But to me, you were a life-changer. To those children, you were a famaliar face. To them, you were the most comforting set of arms they knew. And to me, you were one of the most remarkable women I have ever seen.
You were love. You were gentle hands that wiped tears and held tiny bodies. You took on the role of mother to countless precious faces when they needed one most. You changed diapers and wiped noses and braided hair, and every touch was filled with love. You were beside them to celebrate their growth, cry for them as they struggled, and give them a reason to fight to hold on. You are love.
You were strength. That day, when you lost more than I can ever fathom losing, you mourned. You cried, you screamed, you felt your pain. But twenty minutes later, I saw you in the nursery changing a diaper. You are strength.
You were faith. You drew my eye that night on the driveway, when I could tear my eyes away from the precious ones in my lap. You were singing, along with the other incredible women, praising God. Worshipping amidst the chaos and fear and uncertainty and loss. "It is well with my soul! How great Thou art!" I didn't know all the songs, I didn't always know the words you were singing, but it brought peace to hear your voice. You had every reason to wonder and cry, and yet you sang. You showed me what a true woman of God looks like. You are faith.
Watching you amazed me. God in you amazed me. You were an example of the kind of woman I want to be, and you never had to say a word. I wonder what it would have been like, had I been able to have a conversation with you, and what wisdom you could have given me, but your actions alone were testament to your special heart. In any case, I thought about you again today, and I wish I could tell you how beautiful of a woman you are, and the impact your life has been on people; the impact it has been on me. You're nothing short of amazing, and I just wish I could tell you that in your language. Maybe someday!
From, me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
how I saw God at work...
She wrote Him in a letter,
and it started with Dear God,
her searching words, they filled the page,
as her humbled heart He saw.
She told Him how she was feeling,
what she really wanted most,
that she longed to be His child
how she desired Him to be close.
That very night, under the stars
perched right outside the cabin,
I was sitting with this little girl
and saw something special happen.
We prayed for her, and her open heart
to be filled with the Holy Spirit,
to see the smile on her face when she opened her eyes,
we could tell, this girl means it!
I wrote this my first week of counselling, for a little girl that really snagged my heart. She was so curious and inquisitive, and by the second day of camp, she was asking about her salvation. On Thursday, in veg, as Katie and I slept, she wrote a note, but it wasn't for one of the other girls in the cabin. It was a note to God! She showed me this when I woke up, and I was just taken with her sincerity! That night, on the porch of Cabin C, me and Katie prayed with her, and I will never, ever forget her smile when we said "Amen!" It's such an amazing thing to be part of the biggest decision someone will ever make, and man do I feel blessed!
Camp is filled of those little God moments... it's in the way that this girl went on to tell Lindsey excitedly that she was a Christian. It was in the way that while I stood with Lindsey as we played a game, one little boy ran up to her and told her, "I'm your brother now! I'm a christian!" with so much enthusiasm. It's in the way I would sit at the beach and build sandcastles and have a girl tell me her life story and how God had become the most important thing to her. I remember the last day of camp, not an hour before they'd be going home, me and Katie had two campers run up to us and saying "We want to be christians! Will you pray with us?!"
I remember the junior high camp... thinking "God, really? Me? Junior highs? What can I offer them?!" I remember looking at Lindsey in terror as the first girls stepped into our cabin. I remember the night that me and Lindsey shared our testimonies, looking around at the seven girls as tears poured down their faces. I remember my fear to share the hardest part of mine, and how I almost didn't share it at all - and then God whispered "Share it" and I did... I remember that very part of my testimony leading to me sitting outside at 1 in the morning with a girl who was looking for a reason other than "God says so"... and her looking me in the eye and telling her that my story gave her that reason. God is so incredible like that, taking even the most broken part of myself and allowing me to be vulnerable and open and using it to speak to someone else... I know Lindsey experienced that too as she spent the night with those 6 other girls in the cabin. God was so at work with those girls, they wanted to hold each other and wipe each others tears and pray for each other!
Camp is such an important ministry! When I went, I had no idea the amazing things God was going to show me, but I tell you, there's something beautiful happening at bible camps this summer... something beautiful about God taking imperfect people and teaching through them... something beautiful about young hearts fiercely loving and desiring Jesus!
God, I love you. SO SO much.
and it started with Dear God,
her searching words, they filled the page,
as her humbled heart He saw.
She told Him how she was feeling,
what she really wanted most,
that she longed to be His child
how she desired Him to be close.
That very night, under the stars
perched right outside the cabin,
I was sitting with this little girl
and saw something special happen.
We prayed for her, and her open heart
to be filled with the Holy Spirit,
to see the smile on her face when she opened her eyes,
we could tell, this girl means it!
I wrote this my first week of counselling, for a little girl that really snagged my heart. She was so curious and inquisitive, and by the second day of camp, she was asking about her salvation. On Thursday, in veg, as Katie and I slept, she wrote a note, but it wasn't for one of the other girls in the cabin. It was a note to God! She showed me this when I woke up, and I was just taken with her sincerity! That night, on the porch of Cabin C, me and Katie prayed with her, and I will never, ever forget her smile when we said "Amen!" It's such an amazing thing to be part of the biggest decision someone will ever make, and man do I feel blessed!
Camp is filled of those little God moments... it's in the way that this girl went on to tell Lindsey excitedly that she was a Christian. It was in the way that while I stood with Lindsey as we played a game, one little boy ran up to her and told her, "I'm your brother now! I'm a christian!" with so much enthusiasm. It's in the way I would sit at the beach and build sandcastles and have a girl tell me her life story and how God had become the most important thing to her. I remember the last day of camp, not an hour before they'd be going home, me and Katie had two campers run up to us and saying "We want to be christians! Will you pray with us?!"
I remember the junior high camp... thinking "God, really? Me? Junior highs? What can I offer them?!" I remember looking at Lindsey in terror as the first girls stepped into our cabin. I remember the night that me and Lindsey shared our testimonies, looking around at the seven girls as tears poured down their faces. I remember my fear to share the hardest part of mine, and how I almost didn't share it at all - and then God whispered "Share it" and I did... I remember that very part of my testimony leading to me sitting outside at 1 in the morning with a girl who was looking for a reason other than "God says so"... and her looking me in the eye and telling her that my story gave her that reason. God is so incredible like that, taking even the most broken part of myself and allowing me to be vulnerable and open and using it to speak to someone else... I know Lindsey experienced that too as she spent the night with those 6 other girls in the cabin. God was so at work with those girls, they wanted to hold each other and wipe each others tears and pray for each other!
Camp is such an important ministry! When I went, I had no idea the amazing things God was going to show me, but I tell you, there's something beautiful happening at bible camps this summer... something beautiful about God taking imperfect people and teaching through them... something beautiful about young hearts fiercely loving and desiring Jesus!
God, I love you. SO SO much.
Monday, August 9, 2010
to friend(s)- i miss you
Can it really only be so short a time ago?
I can't forget you when I'm here
where all the memories are shadows
of what was, and what could have been
and yet we left behind
and all the pieces I can't piece together
in this frame of mind.
Ghosts of who we used to be,
we barely pass a glance
Glazing over yesterdays
'cause we couldn't make it last
Do you remember loving freely,
without all this in the way,
or have you buried me so deep
because you just don't feel the same
I miss you, though I'd never tell you
because I know just how you are
I know you'd take it to your ego
instead of taking it to heart.
It's just too easy to recall
when I'm where I knew you first,
I guess I never thought this friendship
couldn't get us through our worst
I miss you, and I'd tell you
but instead I'll hold it in
because I can't risk losing you
all over again
(.....Yeah, so what... I miss you. I miss you because we were friends, and good ones, and now we're not. And most of all, I miss you because we aren't friends anymore for the stupidest reason, because we both put our trust in our pride instead of in each other. Can we go back? Maybe not. Can it change now? I wish. Pretending we don't know each other is getting old. Do you remember too or would you rather forget? Well, I remember. So there it is, I miss you. I just wish that somehow, some way, that could be enough.)
I can't forget you when I'm here
where all the memories are shadows
of what was, and what could have been
and yet we left behind
and all the pieces I can't piece together
in this frame of mind.
Ghosts of who we used to be,
we barely pass a glance
Glazing over yesterdays
'cause we couldn't make it last
Do you remember loving freely,
without all this in the way,
or have you buried me so deep
because you just don't feel the same
I miss you, though I'd never tell you
because I know just how you are
I know you'd take it to your ego
instead of taking it to heart.
It's just too easy to recall
when I'm where I knew you first,
I guess I never thought this friendship
couldn't get us through our worst
I miss you, and I'd tell you
but instead I'll hold it in
because I can't risk losing you
all over again
(.....Yeah, so what... I miss you. I miss you because we were friends, and good ones, and now we're not. And most of all, I miss you because we aren't friends anymore for the stupidest reason, because we both put our trust in our pride instead of in each other. Can we go back? Maybe not. Can it change now? I wish. Pretending we don't know each other is getting old. Do you remember too or would you rather forget? Well, I remember. So there it is, I miss you. I just wish that somehow, some way, that could be enough.)
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