Once, I thought forgiveness was easy. In my head, forgiveness was a fairly logical thing to do. See, forgiveness is a stumper, a Wait- what just happened?
I don't think forgiveness is easy anymore. In fact, forgiveness is about the most illogical reaction to being wronged that comes to mind at all. Revenge? Logical. Justice? Fair. But forgiveness? Letting go of that anger and that hurt, pardoning whoever did you wrong and letting them continue on their hurtful way without consequence? That seems to border on insanity.
I always thought I had the forgiveness thing fairly downpat, though some people may venture to call me a doormat. When someone hurt me, I was quick to shove the dirt under the rug and act like nothing had happened. But that wasn't forgiveness.
There came a time when I was hurt by people, and I was hurt bad. This time, I didn't shove it under the rug and pretend everything was okay. This time, I hurt so badly I let it pour back out, lacing words with venom and contempt. That was definitely not forgiveness.
Upon that realization, I reverted to my old approach. I tried to push the hurt down and act like I was fine, and that things weren't different. But I wasn't, and they were, and I found that hurt I'd shoved down hurtling out of me at an alarming pace, bitterness spilling out of me when I least expected it. That was not forgiveness.
In my head, forgiveness was easy. It was logical. You said the words, and everything was okay again. You tell yourself that it doesn't bother you, and you go on your way. But head-forgiveness isn't true forgiveness. Saying the words because you don't want to be hurt anymore won't take that hurt away.
It took months for me to discover true forgiveness, forgiveness at it's rawest and purest form. Forgiveness that meant going back to the place you were hurt the most, and facing the pain. Letting go of the pain. This forgiveness, this illogical, insane pardoning- it was forgiveness of the heart.
Forgiveness of the heart is illogical. It's ridiculously hard to seperate the action from the feeling, and on your own strength, the effort is too much. But we're not made to forgive on our own strength. We have an Ultimate Forgiver, who paid the most illogical, insane price of all, and gave us pardon as a gift of love.
That's what the key to forgiveness of the heart is- sacrifice. Taking your bent up pride, setting it aside, and letting go. Not because it is the logical thing to do, but because it's so illogical that it creates that ...Wait- what just happened? moment. It's so illogical that it can only be given as an outlet of the One who forgave us first, who loved us most.
The hurt from only a few people ravaged my heart for a long time, and I'm still healing. Hurt from a few people.
Father God... we hurt You every single day. Billions of us. Turning away. Running the opposite direction. Spitting on the cross You sent Your son to hang from for us. And we say we can't forgive? How I wish I could fathom Your compassion for a people you could have destroyed time and time again, a people you could force to love You in Your power. And yet, instead, You wait with open arms for us to make that choice, to run full tilt into Your mercy-filled arms and be washed clean of our inequities, the very things that we've done to hurt You. I can't fathom love like You. But as You have forgiven me, work Your heart into mine, so that I may forgive others the way You forgave me; so that they can scratch their heads as the cycle breaks and attempt to understand Your forgiveness, love, and character... so that by my meager pardon, they may realize the greatest pardon of all in Your eyes...
I'm astounded by You, once again. I love You.
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