At this time, 2 years ago, I would be spending a near sleepless night on the floor of the Canadian Embassy in Port au Prince with 20 angels... helping with diapers. Drying tears. Rocking restless children. Children who had no idea that the very next day, they would be in the arms of their families.
And I had no idea just how changed I would be once I put that little boy in his mother's arms. As I surveyed a room full of joyful families. As I stepped out of the terminal and boarded a plane home, leaving the place that had forever claimed a piece of my heart. Almost unfairly, walking away from the devastation back into my comfortable life.

Each day since has been different. Driven by a dream that started in that beautiful country, once I took the tiny, chocolate brown hand of a child...

when the heart and body exist in two different places.

Sometimes, it's so easy to lose sight of the purpose of now, and in those moments my heart gets carried away with dreams and whispers... some that seem so impossible, that I am scared to even let my heart feel the extent of the pull. But yet, it exists, and sometimes even consumes.

I don't consider myself a patient person. I lack endurance. I rarely persevere or persist with things. In fact, I often wish that God would operate on my agenda. And honestly, the idea of waiting to pursue what I truly want to do is terrifying. The idea of taking a few years to gain valuable experience instead of just impulsively launching off to do the things I am passionate about actually scares me. And I know God is faithful. I know that if there is a wait that it will be worth it... perhaps even more abundantly than I can imagine. But it's so hard to settle my heart down. To put my heart into this sociology project instead of in the hands of a child. To love the group I am working on a project with instead of the kids I so long to hold.
Jesus... help me to invest my heart in now-things. To live the purpose that you have for me, even in this waiting place. Unite my heart to the needs here. Give me your heart and your eyes. Break mine in the ways it needs to be broken to do your kingdom work in this place and time, not with my eyes fixed on the next thing.

I just read this incredible book "Little Princes", an account of a young American man who went to Nepal, initially out of selfish motives... but God broke all of that. In a time when Nepal was experiencing civil war, children were trafficked, tricked out of their homes by the promises of "a better future and education" in exchange for a family's money. But this illusion was shattered when the men who took these children took the money for themselves and dumped the kids wherever they pleased. When this man saw what was happening in Nepal, his heart broke in an irreparable way and he couldn't walk away. He set up an NPO and went back to Nepal to pour his heart into getting these kids back to their families. His organization, Next Generation Nepal, is still reuniting families whose children were thought to be lost to traffickers.

After reading this touching account, my heart is breaking. It breaks because I want to do something about it.

And then today,a friend from Haiti posted a link to a blog that emphasized much of the same struggle: organizations that exploit children... It's Just a Business
God loves His children... if you are reading this, or if this is close to your heart... pray for these kids! If it stirs you to do more... than may God lead and direct each step that follows... who knows where opening your heart to dream Kingdom dreams will take you! And God is faithful in all things. Whether it's a waiting place, or in the midst of the dream come to pass!

it's amazing how someone can be as royally screwed up as me
and yet have a God that looks down and says "I love her. She's mine."
I don't understand that.

A Father's Prayer

Visit this link. There is something so tender about father love.

Mwen p'ap janm bliye ou Ayiti

Two years.

How can two years seem so long ago and yet so close? In so many ways it seems so distant, like it happened in another lifetime. And yet another part of my heart can easily trace the steps back to that day. And in the same way, two memories are formed: one of anguish, and one of hope. The two seem so opposite, and yet it was there. The death and destruction, the fallen homes and the blood in the streets. And yet the praise of the Haitian people despite it all rang out through the streets. Hearts turned to another foundation when the world was rocked. And somehow, what I remember most is all the sweet little moments in-between. The time spent with little angels on the balcony, with healing kisses and laughter. The people I met, who are forever bonded to me in a way that I will never forget. The big and little day to day miracles of God providing for needs. And faith... big faith.

Sometimes I still marvel at how God purposed someone so unremarkable to go and be a part of it all... and sometimes I feel like I have no right to love Haiti the way I do, when I was so little a part of the plan. But regardless of the inadequacies, the grace in it remains. I am thankful. And today, I choose to remember the tender moments. The hope. The praise. The hearts that turned to Jesus. The people that God brought together in beautiful brokenness. Two years later, I see how faithful my God is!

Pray for Haiti, for continued reconstruction and that as they rebuild that God roots and strengthens them in Him even more!

i just want to walk

I am a walker in a running world.
It tells me to rush along
and claim the things it thinks me to need,
but I don't want to miss the beauty of this season
I just want to walk.

When the leaves fall off the tree's
and the air is crisp and fresh
I don't want to miss the crunch beneath my feet
I know the season is changing as I walk.

When the passerby's call out 

and grumble that I should join their running
I simply shake my head and say
"I just want to walk"

I keep a steady pace,
though sometimes I stumble over the cracks
but you won't catch me running ahead
I just want to walk.

And soon the sky is filled with flakes,
as they fall lightly and trace my steps
and the cold takes the breath out of once living things
but it's beautiful, as on I walk.

And as I huddle to keep myself warm
and my cheeks grow rosy to the tip of my nose,
I know that my heart is in a similar place
and so, for just a while I stop.

I watch the white snow as it collects
and purifies the world as it melts
and in the same way, my soul is cleansed
and so I walk.

The trees show signs of life,
and green tinges begin to tickle the ground
until the flowers burst into brilliant song
and color my walk.

And it's funny how the spring requires
the winter to prelude the new
that death must come before life springs up
and I see that in my walk.

I am a walker in a running world,
and I hold the hand of my Savior.
I ask if He would like me to run,
but he smiles at me, with little demand but to ask
"How about we walk?"

My God knows exactly what I need when I need it.
And He's got this.