Sometimes, when I need a good talk, I call my dad, because I know I'll get it.
I was talking to him about compromise, and how I knew there were things in my life I needed to maybe address... and he said this (Dad, I know these maybe aren't your exact words, but it was all your idea!)

"Do not try to find the legalistic compromises, for you will find evil everywhere if you look. Instead, bind your heart to God's, abiding in Him, and the rest will follow. For when you are that rooted in Him, the choices you are making will be made with a heart that desires to obey Him out of love, and not out of an obligation to follow some written code."

if you need me,
i'm joining a convent
far, far away.

Oh Lord, you have looked inside me and seen me for what I am.
Every unspoken thought and intent of my heart.
Every deed that is yet to do, and every word that is unformed on my tongue.

I know those thoughts, those despicable thoughts
and that tangled mess in my chest that is supposed to pass for a heart,
and I can't fathom it, Lord. I cannot fathom what it is You see that you could love,
because somedays, it's hard to love myself when I know what is within me.

Inside me is a mistress, who claimed love for You,
and then turned to the arms of other lovers,
but God, I AM SO DONE WITH THEM.

I am standing at the aisle,
clothed in white,
white that is YOUR GRACE
and YOUR LOVE
because without it, I'd be in rags.
And God, I'm desperate for you
and longing for you to make me your bride,
a woman you can be proud of.

A shiver claims my skin
as the snow clings to my lashes
is it snow, or is it ashes?
When I catch one on my tongue
will it burn there with the words I long to say
or will it melt away?

Am I dancing under falling flakes,
or the shreds of forgotten dreams,
opening my mouth to catch
the wispy "should-have beens"
Will it spark my burning tongue to letting slip
or ice it over, and wash these words away

A familiar path I used to walk
once covered long ago
there's still an outline of your steps
under the freshly fallen snow
I burned away the past before,
and left ashes in my wake
and I buried these old dreams of mine,
froze and left them in this place.

Oh, falling ashes, oh falling flakes,
Oh, there's all this beauty,
and all my mistakes

A shiver claims my skin
as the snow clings to my lashes
won't you tell me
 are they snowflakes or ashes?

To every daughter of the King:

When you're a little girl, you hear stories of a prince that will whisk you away to a castle for your happily ever after. As you grow older, (and as you get to know the male species), you find that fairy tales are just someone's twisted idea of a love that isn't truly real, but fictional - and so lose hope in your 'prince'.

There are so many flaws in that! And I'm not talking fairy tales, because that kind of 'perfect' love is too easy to be called love at all. But listen up sister... You are a Princess! You are the jewels crowning the head of your Maker. You are Beautiful, and you are Worthy of Love.

So often when we throw out the idea of a 'fairy tale', we cast off this crown with it. It's not a crown we even deserve, and yet Jesus has been sacrificed for us so that he may himself place this crown on our head and call us His.

...I know what you're thinking. "Yeah, yeah, so I'm a princess. So where's this prince that will whisk me off my feet?"

I wrestle with the same thought often. And it's hard, because God made us so relational, to desire a relationship, or crave that special intimacy that you can only share with one person. The truth is, I don't know who you're going to marry. I don't even know who I'm going to marry. But the fantastic news is... God does! And what better hands could your future beau be in?

What I'm really getting at is, no, fairytales aren't real. BUT: Someday our prince WILL come. No, he may not ride a horse. No, he may not have big fluffy sleeves. In fact, likely he'll be a slob. He'll have imperfections... and the coolest part is, as those weaknesses come out, God's power will rest there.

I'm saying, HOLD OUT. WAIT. Be PATIENT as God prepares your prince, and as He does His work in you. There are (it may surprise you to know) still really legit, God-seeking men out there. Don't settle. Set your standards for the kind of man God wants for you! High standards do not mean your expectations are too high, but that you see the worth in yourself as the daughter of a king. You deserve to be respected, valued, romanced, and loved for the fantastically exquisite being you are!

Sister, likely we are never going to stop every wistful wish for a relationship dead in it's tracks. But we need to stop romanticizing the idea of relationships over the real thing! (I implicate myself in this as much as anyone else.) I feel like so many of us just want to be in the relationship for the sake of being in one, and so few of us are truly ready.

The greatest relationships we can ever develop is our relationship with Jesus. No man should ever be compared to what we have in Him. No man could ever fill us the way Jesus does. No man could ever love as unconditionally, and as fiercely, and as passionately as your Jesus loves you. A man's love, as great as it will someday be, will only ever be an imitation of the love given to you by the One who loved you FIRST.

Sister... you are a Jewel. You are a Princess. With God, "Someday, my prince will come" becomes "In His perfect timing, my prince will come". In your time of waiting patiently... remember the Prince that has already come for you! How he is LONGING for your heart to be immersed in His perfect love!
Beautiful sister of mine, you are already loved.

Letting Go!

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear 
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?


What do I love? What do I hate?
What will I lose? What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend? What if I break?
What will it cost? What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

-Tenth Avenue North

There's a story that goes with these lyrics, and it begins on January 5, 2010. I don't remember the exact situation, only that I was stressing out about my upcoming trip to Haiti. I heard these lyrics on the radio, and had to pull into the parking lot at the Scotiabank to cry. This song was God telling me, five days before changing my life, that He was going to take care of me. Those words were His promise to me that I would find what I was looking for, and that He would become my everything.

He kept His promise during those 17 days in more ways than I can count, and more ways than I even have words for.

The reality is, I came back. While parts of me will never be the same, I, in so many ways, became the exact same Jessica I had been before leaving. I was scared when my safe, comfortable world didn't like the 'new' Jessica. I was broken when the rest of the world didn't care. I hardened because I wasn't forced to wake up every morning in a place where God would challenge me to rely on His provision, and His grace, and His love.

In short, I forgot His faithfulness.

I heard this song again tonight and something struck me. I'm still clutching things so close that my knuckles are white. I still haven't fully handed myself over to the One who created me down to the most intricate of details. I still haven't let it go.

In those seventeen days I spent in that breathtaking, broken country, I was broken down into letting go. I couldn't do anything but let go! Evidence of God was EVERYWHERE. It was in the hands that were raised to praise Him under sheets. It was in the voices of the nannies the night of the quake. It was in the tiny hands that touched my cheeks and the big eyes that captured my heart. It was in the fact that the streetlights in Petionville were out, and the only 'light' in the night was GOD making Himself known through the clearest, starriest sky. It was in a million little ways where we said "We're almost out of-" and then God filled the need, whether it was through a Minnesota farmer who flew to the DR to drive supplies over the border, or a whole hoard of Dutch Marines. God gently pried my hands off MY plans and took over. His plans were good!

How did I forget this faithfulness?

Tonight, I realize that Haiti was preparing me for this moment - a moment where not only am I brought to my knees in believing, but the fact that I choose to want to let go because I know what He has is so immeasurably more than I could ever imagine. It is so far beyond what my tiny imagination could generate.

Here's to white knuckles becoming open palms, raised in reckless abandon, losing myself but gaining all that Christ is offering!!

Here's to a freedom wrapped in faithfulness.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ!
- Philippians 3:7-8

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin.  As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.
1 Peter 4:1-2

So, this girl keeps pestering me to blog, and once upon a time she wrote a little lovepost for me, so I figure this is long overdue.
There's this girl. I met her three months ago, actually committed to living with her without knowing who she was at all. I prayed about this fervently... "God, give me a sister through this." Well, God didn't disappoint.
I like to think I'm fairly open with people, but there's a side to me so few people know, and even less would see through, and she does. We've both come through places of struggle and drought into a place where we can see that God has been shaping us into beautiful women all along.
This girl is real. She doesn't hesitate to hold me accountable, which is exactly what I need. She gets excited about the same things that excite me. The night that I broke down and cried and yelled out to God in my room, the one where she could have written me off as crazy... she knocked. She listened. The moment after the hardest  decision I've made in a year, she was right by the door when I walked in to hug me. We've made food together, ravaged Value Village for hideously awesome eighties outfits, and I know that whenever she asks what my problem is, I can answer "Well, I kill people, and I eat hands... that's two things...".... she will get it! We've been able to cry together, pray together, grow together.... and God can do more out of that as the year goes on!
Here's to you Amanda. A true answer to prayer!

There are moments on the third floor of this apartment where a passing car, or whatever the neighbors are doing beneath us shake the floor. When this happens, the feeling comes back.


But today, that feeling means so much more. Today, that feeling brings me back, gripped by the exact same terror I felt on that January day. Ten months, and it still hasn't left. Ten months, and I'm still afraid while I live in my safe apartment without the concrete roof.


Ten months ago... all I can think about every time number 12 on the calendar hits is what I saw and felt and experienced that day. Every night on the 12th I remember sitting on the hard driveway with four kids playing on my legs, not knowing what emotion was coursing through me. I remember being astounded as the nannies voices rang out towards the heavens in worship when I knew what was at stake for them. I remember being so glad that D. was wrapped around me, holding me close like only a child truly can.


I will never forget that night and those moments. I will never stop praying for the ladies that gave me peace when peace should have been impossible. I will never forget God moving the way He did through our congregation of young and old, white and black...


In my dreams, you're still in my arms.

filling up the tank.

"On Fire" - Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me 
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge


This has been quite the week. I've cried as much as I've smiled, I've asked more questions than I have answers for and I have gone through emotional upheavals. If you're reading this and you're one of the friends that has cried with me, prayed for and with me, or even just let me spill on you...thanks. It means more than you know.

The one thing that has come out of this week is this glorious process of being brought to my knees before God. I need Him so badly that I can't help but cry out. I have discovered that the only thing in my life worth chasing is Jesus... and all other things are meaningless.

I've spent so long seeking approval from people, and have consistently been dissatisfied. Let's face it... human love can only take you so far. Human love will let you down. Human love, regardless of how much we fight or don't fight it, is conditional. Human love doesn't immediately wash away flaws... it chokes back the true reaction and learns how to love past what it doesn't know or understand. No wonder we all are longing for something deeper! No wonder we seek out temporary fillers!

I'm seeking God's approval. I am seeking to live a life in which He will turn His face to me and smile, saying "Well done, good and faithful servant." This is the life I choose - one where His love, stained red, will wash over what I've done and become something beautiful, something one day I can give back to Him.

The experience of growing close to God is tricky for me. How I long to just fall into His arms and experience Him! I just keep forgetting that I first must sacrifice the things I clutch tight in my hands, the thing that mean nothing in light of Him. I first must cut my ties to the world. This happens daily, and sometimes Satan likes to steal the scissors that will free me... but daily, God provides.

In this place, I feel alone. I know there is a whole boatload of people out there, just longing and hungry and desperate for God in this way. I know you're longing to go deeper with God and don't know how... but the more I see us Christians and the way we live our lives, I see why the process is so slow. I see that we are not cutting our ties.

I am frustrated by empty conversation, constantly talking about things that mean nothing. Constantly being distracted by things that aren't of God. The Spirit of the Lord is there where groups of two or more are gathered, and so often we MISS that because we'd rather talk about something 'fun'. My heart is crying out for these people that are longing for that depth and to be met where their heart has needs, and we as groups of believers pass up these opportunities. If we are so hungry, why do we turn down the plate that is offered us?

COMMUNITY. This is such an integral part of our walk. God never meant us to be alone... How many of us feel like we are!? How many of those people don't allow vulnerability into our relationships? ...I can say myself in both aspects.

The blood is on my hands in this. I've wasted so many years of my life on empty pursuits, and I'm not satisfied to be temporarily filled any longer.

Is anybody with me on this?! Will any Christians rise to the call of action God has laid on our hearts, to truly live a 'not my will but thine, death to us, life to gain' kind of life?

Are you ready to be filled more than you could ever imagine?! Because God is just waiting with His pitchers of Love, hoses of Mercy, and a faucet of Forgiveness. He has sprinklers of Provision on standby, and tubs of Strength, waiting for His people to wake up so He can rain it all down on them.

What are we waiting for? What are we longing for? What is the true desire of our hearts?

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head 

Now I've found the greatest Love of all is mine

Through the eyes of men,
they might see a loser, a failure, a disgrace
and they'd be right.
As men spewed off words about what I am,
I listened,
and became what they said.
Satan stood on the sidelines,
clapping enthusiastically
because not only did he succeed
in breaking me once
but keeping me down.

Satan, you've had your fun.
In the power of Jesus Christ,
I banish you from this place
and from my heart.

Through the eyes of you, oh God,
somehow you find something to love,
Your words for me are different,
words like Princess and Daughter and Loved
Forgiven, Worth Fighting For, Beautiful...
Your heart broke when I broke my vow to you
and chased a love that wasn't yours,
and it broke again when I didn't come running back into your arms and believe what you said to me, about loving me despite the past that marred me and made me sinfully shameful before you.
The acceptance of man doesn't matter anymore,
their approval doesn't satisfy.
But Abba God, I'm coming to you because more than anything in the world, I long to get that approval from you. I know I already have that approval, sealed by the mark of a cross and signed in the blood of Your son.
What can man do to me?
What do their words and jeers and catcalls matter?
I'm satisfied with having You.
Only You.
Search me, Oh God. Know my thoughts.
Lead me in the way everlasting.

Father... here I am.

I'm so sick of always being on my guard,
taking my sword in hand, ready to fend off the next attack.
The hairs on my neck are raised, and I pace in a circle, looking over my shoulder and whipping back to front again, just waiting for someone else to jump on my back, to stab my heart, to look me in the eye as they raise their sword.
I don't like that the ones I defend myself against are the same ones I call friends.


I'm searching for community that somehow I can't find.
I'm searching for someone who knows me, not someone who just thinks they do,

God, maybe I'm just searching for you. I obeyed, and now in this waiting game, even in the moments of grace I'm fighting to find you, to know where you want me next. Take up this sword, because I'm getting weary and it's so heavy... be my Conqueror.
And be my Comfort, because I feel like I'm about to fall and I want YOU to be the one to catch me. 

Around the room, eyes pass over faces,
we see, but don't truly know.
And as we glance from side to side,
waiting in silence as the clock ticks
ticks
ticks
my heart freezes.

I am broken in a way they don't know,
that they'll never truly understand
and as those sets of eyes scan me,
I wonder what they see,
and if I'm hiding it well enough.


How can I be vulnerable

when I can't even escape my own shame?
I find mercy in moments of despair,
but never enough to truly forgive myself
never enough to fully take back what I gave away,
never enough to claim the newness in Christ
and freedom from things that are past.


Those moments defined me,
when temptation won over my commitment to Christ.
And now,
in the room with the eyes
I wonder who would see a stupid girl

and who could see something beautiful...

A confession about bible-reading, belonging, and other miscellaneous mind ramblings:

I recently gave my Bible away to a man who craved the words inside. This isn't sad to me. However, I must admit, it was hard to part with the underlinings and scrawling in the margins from the last couple years of discovering deeper truths, being brought to my knees by words that became real to me, promises that brought me comfort in times I was afraid, things that inspired me... it does bring a smile to my face though, when I think about the old native man out there who has a teenage girls bible, with quizzes like "Are you a diva, dream date, or doormat?" smack dab in the center =)

I have a new Bible. And with this new Bible has come a new perspective on the way I read. Before, I wanted to be able to get through the whole Bible. I underlined the things that stood out to me, but I blazed on through.

With this new bible, it's brought a slowing down and an appreciating of the words that God wants to share and the things he wants to reveal through his love story to me. I find that by casting away the notion of "just getting through it" and taking time to meditate and chew on it, there is SO MUCH MORE to be found... I've spent three days in Psalm 19 and 20, and it's been so cool. Psalms 20 actually is a special passage for me, as four people gave it to me separately during my time in Haiti. However, God is revealing different things to me through it even now! SO good.

When you take that extra time to be saturated in the words of love and wisdom written FOR YOU, you just find yourself in a place of amazement, and it's like getting a big warm God hug. I love that.

Another thing that has been persistently on my heart is belonging. I have spent my whole life striving to find a place that 'feels right'. It's almost as if I'm waiting for some magic bells to chime and a big booming voice to say "JESSICA, YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE!" Now, I've had this feeling in fleeting moments, but never felt like there was one place perfect for me. On every group of friends I have ever been apart of, I have always felt like an outcast, set apart for some reason. This bothered me for so long, and some days it still does when I see people who are so made for what they do.

But why am I searching for belonging? I don't belong to this world! I will not spend eternity praising God from here. Perhaps the very thing I am called to do is to be a willing servant, and let God use me, and that will be enough. No magic chimes, just blessed assurance!

There is so much more on my heart. God is just getting to me. I'm so excited!