Is it okay that I wander so aimlessly,
would you mind if I drift out to sea
and lose myself for a while

I don't know what I want to find,
or if I just want to be found by you

Because I've been holding so tight
to a rope thats tethered to nothing.
All along clutching this illusion of surrender,
but never really trusting

I'll let go and let these seas rise,
even when the waters spill over the sides
how long will it take
how much do i have to break
until i'm found

I think I'll lose myself in these waters,
I know you won't let me be swept away

You can paralyze me - but for only a moment.
You can fill me with fear and doubt, but it won't stick.
You can spend the rest of my life fighting to shackle me,
but don't you see?
You've already lost.

And I'll admit... there are times you bring me to my knees in despair.
But don't you see too,
that you are driving me to the one you are trying to keep me from?

So break me, please.
Leave me to bleed,
take this life, and leave it in pieces.
It will only give Him more reason to fill it,
to mend it,
to transform it.

To make it beautiful.

Do not be afraid.

This commandment is uttered in the bible somewhere around 365 times. When you think about it, that's A LOT of times. 365 repetitions means you could pick up the bible and flip to a different verse every day of the year, and you could still read,

"do not be afraid."

Sounds like such a simple statement hey?

The truth is? I live in fear. I am afraid. Fear has a way of crippling my progress. It hardens my heart against what God will do. It sends me running away from the One who desperately wants to give me a life without fear. And He wants that for you too.

But there's this question that I have to face before I can be transformed:

WHAT am I afraid of?

And I think the honest answer is, I am afraid to face myself. I am terrified to see my human nature exposed for what it is. I am terrified of people knowing how selfish I am, how every thought consciously revolves around myself.

I am afraid because I can't even begin to know how to lay myself down to ask God to come in and bulldoze my world desires to build into me his kingdom ones. I am scared that God has big plans, plans that I am not big enough for. I am terrified because I know once I hand my flesh desires, my selfish ways, my physical AND spiritual body to God, death will come. I am afraid of what will follow.

But I WANT to.

There is this God's Chisel Skit done by the Skit Guys that is phenomenal, and as I was watching this, one of the lines struck me.

The clay says to the potter, "But God, I let you down."
And He says back, "You were never holding me up."

I should be excited, I should be fearless and bold and willing and determined. I should be running to God, an armful of my desires held like dirty laundry and just be relieved to dump them at his feet, begging to let Him use me for something more.

And yet I walk to him, slowly and ashamed. I let go of half my pile, and then fling myself on top of it and sob and ask Him to let me keep it as I insanely try to pull dirty laundry over my head. Because I'm scared. Sin is my security blanket.

I want to live in fear of the Lord, not in fear of what man can do to me if I follow Him wholeheartedly. I want to live in fear of the Lord, and not in fear of the past that has chained me. I want to live in fear of the Lord, not in fear of where the Lord will take me, because HE is big enough for the plans He is creating for me!

I have never asked on this blog for this, but can you, whoever is reading this, pray for me? I want to crucify my flesh. I want to put to death the things in me that aren't lining up with God's heart. I want to break free of this fear, bursting forth from being enslaved by fear to being a slave for righteousness.

365 times you read "Do not fear. Do not be afraid". Way back when God was speaking through the ones who penned His word, he figured that was important enough to be repeated. Not once or twice. 365 times. Why? Because He already knew us. He already knew the fear we live in, and even the fear we foolishly chain ourselves to. He knew we would need to read it THAT many times for the message to sink in, and for it to dawn on us that we need to live without fear. But more than that, that God has OFFERED us a way out of fearful living. What usually comes after "Do not be afraid?"... things like "The Lord your God is with you wherever you go" or "I am with you and will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Truly, what am I afraid of??

dead faith vs. faith to die for.

Lifeless and dead. Those are two words I could define myself as. Without Christ, I am empty. Without Christ, my life is meaningless.

But the way I live my life comes into account here. Am I living in a dead faith, or has my faith caused me to face death to be brought into life? Meaningful life. Purposeful life. ETERNAL life.

I find so often that I take on the name of Jesus, but do not truly act upon it, nor do I claim its power. And as a beautiful friend of mine reminded me recently, 2 Timothy 1:7 says, God did NOT give us a spirit of timidity, but of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE! Why do I live my life so apart from these things that God has freely given? I seem to pick-and-choose my moments of acting in faith, weighing the cost and sacrifice to myself. It's kind of like a one foot in the world, one foot in the Word kind of life and that is detestable! That is lukewarm. I love how Paul puts it in Philippians 3:7-8... "But whatever was to my profit, I now consider LOSS for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."

Wow.

That is beyond what belief is. Belief is a mere mental acceptance of a claim as truth. No, Paul's statement is bold, all-out, FAITH talking. I was curious about what the definition of faith was, and the definition I found was a COMPLETE CONFIDENCE in a belief. Not just acceptance. Confidence!

I have been living in a spirit of timidity, but as I have been reading my bible I keep coming across people who really risked their comfort for the glory of God's kingdom to be established. Which brings me back to what has been on my heart lately. Am I living with dead faith, or faith I would die for?

In 'Don't Waste Your Life', John Piper writes: "On the far side of every risk - even if it results in death- the love of God triumphs. This is the faith that frees us to risk for the cause of God. It is not heroism, or lust for adventure, or courageous self-reliance, or efforts to earn God's favor. It is childlike faith in the triumph of God's love - that on the other side of all our risks, for the sake of righteousness, God will still be holding us. We will be eternally satisfied in Him. Nothing will have been wasted."

One thing that paints such a vivid image of risk to me is the Christians in Rome who were fed to the lions. Can you even fathom what it would be like to stand against a Colosseum of people cheering for your blood to be spilled? How is your faith now? As the lions are let loose, do you feel terror or peace?

Maybe it's different. Maybe you are your school. No crowds. Just one person. Except this person has a gun, and they ask you if you believe in God, and you know you will die for it. How is your faith now?

I don't know about anyone else, but most times it doesn't even take a lion or a gun to cause me to compromise, and to fail to claim what I know to be true. It's as simple as me overhearing a conversation between two people that don't know God, that laugh at how silly christians must be for believing in a God they can't see and a bible that 'isn't true', and me pretending not to have heard at all. Or maybe, maybe someone actually asks what I believe, and I bulk and act ashamed instead of confident.

There, I said it.

John Piper goes on to write, "If we starve, [Jesus] will be our everlasting, life-giving bread. If we are shamed with nakedness, he will be our perfect, all-righteous apparel. If we are tortured and made to scream in our dying pain, he will keep us from cursing his name and will restore our beaten body to everlasting beauty."

Christians are still dying for their faith today. And maybe that's not what my life will come down to. Perhaps I won't face physical torture for what I believe. Maybe I won't be stoned or thrown to the lions, or even jailed. Persecution can come in more discrete ways, and I believe these days it does.

I want to have what it takes to face guns and lions - sure DEATH, for my God. I want to have confidence and boldness to live my faith out, even if it simply means having no one to eat lunch with. Most of all, I crave a living, growing, deepening faith that will burn hotter as the fire of affliction comes against. That is my prayer, and not just for myself... I pray fervently that we would all rise out of the ashes of dead faith into a faith that we'll die for.

2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

To open up these hands,
to drop the things my fists were clenching
and leave them at your feet,
and then, with exposed palms
raised to receive all you have to offer
raised to give myself to you,
all of me,
that is what I long to do.

To put aside the empty things my flesh fights for,
to cast away the lies Satan roars in my ears,
to instead be listening to only your tender whispers of love,
and be walking in the victory you already claimed,
this is what I long to do.

To allow you to draw near at once
and work your plans into a willing heart,
instead of watching you faithfully take the walls in my heart down
brick by brick,
that is what I long to do.

In my human weakness, so often I fail
I fail to act on the things I long for.
But with your enduring patience,
and your ever-tender leading hand,
I will enjoy every second of this walk with you.
even the stumbles, and the falls,
knowing somehow you will turn this brokenness into beauty.