filling up the tank.

"On Fire" - Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me 
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge


This has been quite the week. I've cried as much as I've smiled, I've asked more questions than I have answers for and I have gone through emotional upheavals. If you're reading this and you're one of the friends that has cried with me, prayed for and with me, or even just let me spill on you...thanks. It means more than you know.

The one thing that has come out of this week is this glorious process of being brought to my knees before God. I need Him so badly that I can't help but cry out. I have discovered that the only thing in my life worth chasing is Jesus... and all other things are meaningless.

I've spent so long seeking approval from people, and have consistently been dissatisfied. Let's face it... human love can only take you so far. Human love will let you down. Human love, regardless of how much we fight or don't fight it, is conditional. Human love doesn't immediately wash away flaws... it chokes back the true reaction and learns how to love past what it doesn't know or understand. No wonder we all are longing for something deeper! No wonder we seek out temporary fillers!

I'm seeking God's approval. I am seeking to live a life in which He will turn His face to me and smile, saying "Well done, good and faithful servant." This is the life I choose - one where His love, stained red, will wash over what I've done and become something beautiful, something one day I can give back to Him.

The experience of growing close to God is tricky for me. How I long to just fall into His arms and experience Him! I just keep forgetting that I first must sacrifice the things I clutch tight in my hands, the thing that mean nothing in light of Him. I first must cut my ties to the world. This happens daily, and sometimes Satan likes to steal the scissors that will free me... but daily, God provides.

In this place, I feel alone. I know there is a whole boatload of people out there, just longing and hungry and desperate for God in this way. I know you're longing to go deeper with God and don't know how... but the more I see us Christians and the way we live our lives, I see why the process is so slow. I see that we are not cutting our ties.

I am frustrated by empty conversation, constantly talking about things that mean nothing. Constantly being distracted by things that aren't of God. The Spirit of the Lord is there where groups of two or more are gathered, and so often we MISS that because we'd rather talk about something 'fun'. My heart is crying out for these people that are longing for that depth and to be met where their heart has needs, and we as groups of believers pass up these opportunities. If we are so hungry, why do we turn down the plate that is offered us?

COMMUNITY. This is such an integral part of our walk. God never meant us to be alone... How many of us feel like we are!? How many of those people don't allow vulnerability into our relationships? ...I can say myself in both aspects.

The blood is on my hands in this. I've wasted so many years of my life on empty pursuits, and I'm not satisfied to be temporarily filled any longer.

Is anybody with me on this?! Will any Christians rise to the call of action God has laid on our hearts, to truly live a 'not my will but thine, death to us, life to gain' kind of life?

Are you ready to be filled more than you could ever imagine?! Because God is just waiting with His pitchers of Love, hoses of Mercy, and a faucet of Forgiveness. He has sprinklers of Provision on standby, and tubs of Strength, waiting for His people to wake up so He can rain it all down on them.

What are we waiting for? What are we longing for? What is the true desire of our hearts?

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head