I just need a place to get it all down, because it's too easy not to be honest when you feel you have to screen the contents of your heart, instead of just allowing them to spill out onto the page, as messy and haphazard as they may be. And so, I find my reverie in the place where I am unknown, where my audience is of no consequence. Where I may uncensor all my feelings and incur the courage to summon the very depths of my soul to the surface.

And yet, the most beautiful thing about it is that I am not unknown. I am fully known. And my audience does matter, just not in the way one would assume. And here, the audience of peers falls away, until just One remains. And that is the way I long it to be anyways.

Tonight, I feel like I am lacking. Tonight, once more, my imperfections drive me to my knees to cry out to my Savior to perfect me. And He answers back, "My power is made perfect in weakness".  He answers back that He will be faithful to complete what He has begun in me. To journey. And I long for the release of surrender, to hand Him the pen of whatever my life will become so He can author it, and I will just walk in it.

And the thing I am most tired of is the fact that I constantly rely on tangible things. That even when I desire and hunger for God the most that I cling to the relationships I can find in man. I can't even just sit down and spill my hearts content out unto you, my Jesus, knowing full well you would receive it joyfully. I clutch desperately at relationships as if they will satisfy me. And when I am losing control, I try to re-connect with people that I used to be close with. I feel on the outskirts everywhere. Even when I am close to people, I long for more depth.

And right now, I long so completely for a soul-deep connection with someone. Someone that I can talk to about anything. Someone that I can expose the very depths of my heart to without fear of judgment. Someone that will encourage me in my fears and uplift me, and someone I can reciprocally serve in that way. To encourage, to build up, to journey with.  I want more than lop-sided relationships, because I have plenty of those where I do too much talking. I want to be the listener. I want to be the giver. I want to share anothers journey and bear burdens in prayer... I crave reciprocation. Because I feel like in all my relationships I do more taking than giving! Three cord relationship. Friendship. Gut-wrenching heart spillage. It's my hearts cry.

And I HAVE THAT IN JESUS. But I don't even know the fullness of that. But I want to. I want to throw aside the search to find that tangibly. I just want to be wrapped up in you Jesus, satisfied completely in you. Nothing less than that. Nothing like the empty things I've been settling for. I long for more, my heart yearns for it.

I want to know You, because though You know me fully, I have MUCH to know about Your fullness, the depth to which Your grace extends, the power with which Your spirit moves... I want to know it ALL!