I want to share something I have been learning lately. A hard learned lesson, no doubt about it. But before I tell you that, you have to check this out first (they are completely relevant to what God has been overcoming in my heart lately...so do it!) :

And this:

Conversation with Jesus

Who are you? And how do you know my name?

How can you say you know me when we've never met? No one knows me, or at least, not most of me. Although... that's probably for the best. What would you do if you did know me? Run probably. You might even turn up your nose at me, and trust me, you wouldn't be the first. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. If you truly knew me, you'd realize that I wasn't worth knowing and walk away, just like everyone else before you. So go ahead, get on your way. I won't trouble you any longer.

What? What was that? You love me?

Okay wise guy, did you just hear what I said? You don't even know me. You can't love me. And even if you did know me, you certainly wouldn't find anything lovable.

Whoa whoa, hey now. Back the truck up. You really expect me to believe you would die for me? 

I told you, you don't know me. You wouldn't do that. 

What? You're saying you already did? 

That can't be right... you must be lying.

No? Well then... prove it!

Faith? What has faith got to do with it? 

Look, I don't know why you are so convinced you "love" me, let alone think you care enough to "die" on my behalf... but hey, if we go our separate ways, we can pretend this whole thing never happened. I'm willing to forget this conversation if you are.

Pssh, too scared to accept your unconditional love? Darn right I am! Why should I believe someone who claims to love me? Do you know how many people have said that to me and then BAM, I'm left in the cold the very next day! No sir, if I accept your so-called "love", it'll just be a heartbreak timebomb ticking down until you too decide you don't want me.

...You're different you say? Different how?

So, let me get this straight. If I hurt you, you're not going to hold it against me. You're just going to up and forgive me?

...And if I run away, you're just going to wait as long as it takes, even if it means months OR years, and you're just going to take me back without judgment?

Sounds too good to be true. How do I know you are for real?

Your hands? Why should I feel your hands?

Trust you! Just a minute ago I didn't even know who you were. But fine... give me your hands... I don't see what the big deal is. 

Wait, where did these holes come from? 

Nails?! What on earth were nails doing in your hands?

Oh.

(pause.)

.....You really meant it, didn't you? All of it?

You know me.

You love me.

You died for me.

You died for me, because you know me, and love me.

Wow.

You know, I know you know all this about me... but, well, I guess I don't know that much about you. But.... I'd like to. Can we walk together?



I wrote that monologue a while ago, because I feel like in my life, I have this repetitive cycle with God. See, I finally get to a point where I can grasp with my human mind that He loves me, and He knows me, and He is okay with where I am at as long as I'm striving for Him. But then something happens, and I stop striving, and I fall into the mindset of not being good enough for God. Not being worthy enough.

I already am not worthy. I will always be unworthy. But I literally allow myself to struggled and be bogged down with my unworthiness until He finally breaks through the wall I have built out my pride and my shame and my constant need for control of my own life and shows me... I am not sufficient, but His love and grace are sufficient for me. It's these moments that I see that He doesn't need me, it is I who need Him. 

And who I am to turn God's gift of grace down? How could I stand in the presence of the One who gave it all for me, and give nothing to Him? It's so incredible to me, how much He loves. Just how much He gives.

I am learning. I know I have hurt people when I hit my "not good enough" mindset, because I don't humble myself, and instead I cast people out because I don't feel worthy enough. I hurt people because I lash out with my own frustrations in order that I may hide my own shame. Satan relishes trapping me in that place.

But God has burst through, for the Light always overcomes the darkness.