I don't know where to go to say this. I don't know where it's okay to stand up and say "Hey. Today, I'm not okay. Today I have doubts that are too big for me to carry." I don't know where to go so that the hot tears falling down my face don't feel like weakness to me. I don't know where to go.
Except I do know. I know of this amazing place called the Presence of the Most High God. I know of a throne room where the Holy of Holies sits, clothed in rainbows of colors that my mind cannot even imagine. I know there is a fire that burns intensely around this throne, that the sounds of angels songs can be heard with rushing winds. And the glory of the King is seen in majestic light that penetrates so far that darkness cannot bear to be present.
But in my life, there is darkness.
In my life, there are expectations that I weigh myself down with. A bar set impossibly high. Things that I can't do. There is a fear of failure so deep that I don't even hear the words of encouragement anymore, only the words that I expect to hear: the words that say Jessica, you are not enough.
And you'd think, given the fact that my Savior uses people who are weak, that He calls the imperfect people and the outcasts and the losers and the broken and the failures... you would think that I could see the beauty in the fact that I could let myself be used... if only I could abandon myself to the cross.
But I'm clutching my weakness. I am clutching my failure so tight that I won't even let Jesus have it because I for some reason believe I am not even good enough to be covered by the blood of the lamb.
And it pains me to admit that, to press the keys and form the words that I, in some audacity, believe I can outwit the grace of God, that I can escape it, that I am too far gone to receive what was paid for with such a high price. It's shameful to admit, but my pride is so huge that I can't bear the words that I am not good enough another moment. My pride won't let it be about God... it makes it about me.
Today, I am not okay. Today, I have big doubts and they are too heavy for me to carry. Today, I would rather hide in a bathroom than let anyone see these tears. And today, even though I know exactly where I need to go, I find that I can't get there on my own. That no amount of striving, no amount of anything Jessica can do, no matter how hard I scrub my filthy hands, that I cannot be cleansed of these lies and these sins and this pride.
I need a Savior.
I need strength in my weakness. I need to fall on my face in that throne room and confess that my present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in me, by the grace of my really big, unfathomably loving Daddy. By the blood of the lamb. I need to dwell in the TRUTH.
Today... if you aren't okay, if you are carrying doubts that you just can't drop, if you are ashamed to let your tears fall... you need a Savior too. And you are NOT alone. You are not alone, and your story doesn't end in this place. You are More than a Conqueror because you belong to the Victory Claimer.(Romans8) Your tears are wiped away by the very hand of God (Revelation7) The Lord restores your soul (Psalm23) You are redeemed, and He calls you His (Isaiah43)
It's okay to not be okay today. Just know you aren't defeated... you are on the winning side. I'm on the winning side. And we are loved with a love so deep and high and wide and full.. so satisfying. A love that has redeemed us and saved us... when we needed a Savior.
No comments:
Post a Comment