LOVE

It's hard to write this, because it means fessing up to not doing what I was called to do. But it's been so powerful to me and I have to share it in hopes that it will encourage you too.

This week, as my heart grieves the loss of a friend very dear to my heart, I spent so much time trudging through memories. I went walking through moments of laughing through nursing classes, of trips to Waterton and more plates of sushi than one can count. And I also think back to moments of deep talks, of Ryan asking questions that I didn't have answers for, grappling for words because he was so bent on understanding what his life meant. Where to find God. And I remember so many conversations where my pride and my one track minded desperation for him to know truth, to believe the same thing as me, got in the way of me seeing just how pure his heart was. Just how simple his worship. And you know what, we didn't end up believing the same thing.

And I just can't help but see that I was wrong. I was wrong to try to cookie cut his journey and fit it into my idea of what God is about. It's not about my way. Jessica's way is not the way. JESUS is the way.

Ryan taught me so much. He taught me not to overcomplicate things that should be simple, especially when it came to God. (He always had this insane respect for my faith even whilst I was not always wearing it well.) He was gentle, and thankful, and his joy was just to make the most out of life, not try to live up to anyone's expectations. He did what he loved and he did it with his whole heart in it. And because of that, I can say Ryan lived well. Because of that, I can say Ryan has impacted how I live too. I know I am not alone in that either.

I learned that it just comes back to love. My best moments with Ryan were not the moments we were disagreeing and frustrated because we wanted the other to understand our perspective... they were the moments that we stopped trying to be understood and just loved. Love, not believing the same thing, led us to the sweetest moments in our friendship. I know for a fact that Ryan knew Jesus through me most when I loved most. So if you are reading this I just want to say... LOVE. Love the crap out of people. Love them so much that they can't help but see Jesus through you! Don't let arguments get in the way, don't be frustrated when they just don't see things how you do. Pray your heart out for them and leave the heart changing to Jesus. It was never your job to change their mind anyways. It was never any power from you that made the blind see. It's the grave conquering, heart freeing power of Jesus! Our love, extended from the One who first loved us, can unveil the face of Jesus to someone. Thats's HUGE.

This is a quote from a movie called Furious Love. It's a powerful movie but this is the line that has stayed with me from it and it's so fitting.
"Thats when I finally understood what God wanted to do. He didn't want to pick a fight. He wanted to love. And His love is so disarming and powerful...."
-furious love