A tribute that doesn't fit.

I keep staring at the screen and hoping that somehow this blank screen will find the hidden faucet in my heart and turn it on to full power, so that all of these feelings, all of this grief, all of this loss and not understanding will hit the page. Maybe in releasing all of my shock and all of my wondering and all of my questions, I will find some sense of relief. But maybe this is just another thing to drive me into the arms of Jesus... to stop asking questions and resisting plans and just trust that He knows and I don't have to. To find my release in colliding fully broken with my Maker. And I wish it were that simple, but my heart is pounding and my eyes are blurry with tears and half the time I can't even feel anything but hollow because it doesn't make sense.

I can't believe a few days ago I was frustrated at not having a reason to be sad. Because that reasonless sadness that I couldn't resolve in my heart is nothing in the wake of the sadness and grief of losing someone, someone I wasn't supposed to lose... or at least, someone I never considered I would have to. It never occurred to me in all this time that him dying was actually a possibility. I never thought for a second I would be sitting here trying to process the news.

R... I still remember sitting in the hospital with you and telling you that you had one of the biggest hearts out of anyone I had ever met. And you laughed and said "Well, I probably do literally have one of the biggest hearts of anyone you know." It doesn't fit that the big heart you had in you, in all its strength of compassion, would be so poorly mismatched with the weak heart in your chest. I have no words to write this, no fitting tribute for someone who loved so deeply, who loved life so fully, who pursued things so passionately... I just have a whole lot of missing you. I will carry you with me for the rest of my life, because you believed in the best of me, and I can't walk into that without you, and without God. I hope you met Him. The possibility of otherwise is just too much for my heart.
I'll always miss you, and I'll never forget you.